Archive for June, 2011

Pussy Write Letter: Poll Numbers and the Professors of Pimpology 101

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 24, 2011 by สะพานลอย

In hoping to solve the mystery of the legendary Patpong Pussy Shows once and for all, our non-scientific poll has revealed that the overwhelming majority of readers prefer ping-pong demonstrations as a vital part of their nightly pussy shows in Patpong. The poll results also show quite clearly that our readers are discriminating pussy show connoisseurs. While the great majority of readers polled enjoy the ping-pong ball aspect of the demonstrations, in second place was a preference for pyrotechnics and special effects, like the string of snapping firecrackers. It begs the simple question: Why? Never in all of the years that we have enjoyed the occasional game of table tennis have we equated the small plastic balls with anything that even vaguely resembles an erotic act. Indeed, table tennis itself seems to reek of absurdity and a whiff of misplaced Asian fanaticism and pent-up athletic frustration resulting from a lack of innate physical prowess.

Asians display a preternatural ability with table tennis.

There were two write-in responses, one of which was the simple and unqualified “No”, while the other stated that the reader “only enjoyed banana shows.”

After a perusal of the menu of options that we featured on the pussy show poll and that lists the wide-open vaginal possibilities for the pussy show-goer, I think that were Saphan Loy to enjoy a pussy show sometime soon, after, say, a light repast at the Oriental, we would most likely forego the ping-pong balls, the beer bottle demonstration, the firecrackers, the “pussy fishes in” option, and the “pussy blowing candle” trick, and would absolutely insist that the exhibited pussy performer “write [a] letter” with her vagina. Much the same way Dean Barrett can do using only the anal sphincter muscles of his asshole.

And not just any letter.

I would not be content to merely observe the model/actress/pussy showgirl scribble sloppily on some random piece of paper in an indecipherable scrawl using only her vaginal muscles and a simple pakka: I would want, pay for, indeed demand an actual formal letter, addressed to William Mahanakorn and the readers of Saphan Loy in Thai and in legible penmanship. Anything short of that would be grounds for a refund, a heated discussion with the pussy show creative director, and a scathing critique in this blog.

The pussy letter might begin thus:

Dear Saphan Loy Readers….

While you have enjoyed mocking Patpong pussy shows now for the better part of the last week, I would like to inform you that inserting objects into my vagina like live fishes for your amusement is neither fulfilling as a career option, nor is it sanitary or especially safe for the goldfish thus employed. Therefore, after tonight’s performance of “pussy fishes in”, I am hanging up my knickers and returning to Chiang Rai to work on my uncle’s rice farm, and to vend decanted Fanta in plastic bags. Thank you, Mr. Mahanakorn, for your years of kind patronage and your critical recommendations.

Regretfully,

Lek

Hot Ping Pong Action: Asian Style

In other news from the United States higher education system, “higher” becoming increasingly the operative word here, a professor from Farleigh Dickinson University in New Jersey has been arrested for running a prostitution ring when not droning on and on about physics in the classroom to bored and disaffected undergraduates. According to the latest breaking news, the investigation is widening, and professors at the University of New Mexico (including a former president and current Professor Emeritus of Political Science, F. Chris Garcia, at UNM) have been implicated and arrested. The website that Professor David Flory (of Farleigh Dickinson University) allegedly ran from his home and office in New Jersey is called Southwest Companions. It is a password-protected site that introduces men to over-priced call girls in New Mexico, who charged clients about $800 USD. As usual, the Huffington Post, who covered another infamous Thai prostitute advocate/college professor Kenny Ng from California State Univesity at Northridge, has published an article here that has the more salacious details.

In his defense, Professor Flory stated that the site was a “hobby” from which he derived no revenue. Saphan Loy has never ceased to be amazed by the bizarre fabrications, the feeble lies, and the utter disregard that professors tend to have for the public at large when they attempt to float their ridiculous and child-like justifications. It reveals two things: first, college professors, while “book-smart”, cannot figure out that by investing in a powerful attorney or public relations manager, they might be able to mount more successful defenses of their inexplicable actions, and two: they completely lack the skills to articulate cogent fictional narratives in their own defense. In other words, their lies are like those that a child might tell after being caught stepping on a toad, or trying to filch a cookie from the cookie jar.

What is happening in the US higher education system to inspire these less-than-stellar academics to write about and openly promote prostitution, whether domestic or, in Kenny Ng’s case, outsourced to the developing world? And who can forget the Northwestern University professor, John Michael Bailey, who authorised a live fuck-saw demonstration for his undergraduate psychology class? In short, what exactly has happened to universities, the once vaunted and respected ivory tower?

In our opinion, the higher educational system lost all semblance of credibility once it had been decoupled from the rigours associated with European systems of philology, philosophy and theology, and, of course, the requisite instruction of the classical languages like ancient Greek and Latin. But I suppose at this point this is merely the kind of complaint that would invite an instant and hostile accusation of academic elitism from those in higher education who would like to see their narrowly defined liberal agendas satisfied and amplified, so they can continue to exhibit fuck-saw demonstrations, write about queer and transgender “theories”, or discuss in any way shape or form such dubious French thinkers as Foucault and Lacan. After all, Dick and Jane, who grew up in the suburbs or the agrarian midwest, would fall behind miserably were they forced to learn Latin, study classical philosophy, or be otherwise forced to generate, heaven forbid, an original and actual thought shaped by concerted effort, rigorous research and logically sound argumentation.

But what is most astonishing about the latest example of “professors gone bad” is that it clearly reflects a growing trend in academia that illustrates that professors, once considered ethical and moral exempla of their societies, have abandoned such notions of responsibility, moral or otherwise, toward their students and have disrespected their own academic communities in the process. And in the broader terms of power structures, empowerment, and a socially engaged, holistic approach to the academy, these bizarre sexual “hobbies” that include prostitution, sex tourism, exploitation, sex-toy demonstrations and the like, constitute a complete misunderstanding or ignorance of power and education, and how they are intimately related. Or what’s worse, they reflect a degraded display of casual antipathy, cynicism and intellectual poverty. We won’t belabour the point here, but leave it at this. Whether the US higher educational system is bloated with miscreants, sex tourists and perverts with PhDs, or whether the intrusion of the State into academic administration has facilitated an environment whereby presidents, provosts, and Boards of Regents and the like are terrified of making what is obviously a moral stand, these dilemmas present here as difficult to answer questions.

Saphan Loy’s suggestion: write a letter.

Rice Harvest, Northeast Thailand

Which reminds us. Recently, Stickman Bangkok featured a young woman from the provinces named Jeap, whose new service in Bangkok promotes the mixing and mingling of Thai girls from the impoverished countryside with lonely and elderly farang from the West who are unable to meet women without her assistance. It was a glowing review of Jeab and her services. But keep in mind, it is not a sex service, and Jeab made it clear that she personally pre-screens all applicants lest they violate Thai cultural norms or display obvious evidence of mental illness.

Sadly, Saphan Loy received an email from Jimmy Smithers the other day, who was so charmed by Jeab and her service, Thai Eternity, that he promptly wrote an email to her. Alas, he never received a response. Out of my sympathies for Jimmy Smithers, I reprint it here should Jeab and Thai Eternity reconsider his mostly pathetic case and simple plea for help:

Hi Jeab,

Congratulations on your article on Stickman Bangkok. You are so lucky to have so much attention for your site Thailand Eternity. A few questions. I am anxious to meet Thai Ladyboys, and I would like to marry one in the United States where it is legal. I know you can help me with my dream. This dream is that one day I will be able to meet a nice Thai Ladyboy, go to her family in a village in the countryside, pay them to buy a new farm and bull for their corn fields, and hopefully bring her to the United States where she can help me with my cleaning, laundry, reminding me to take my medicines, go to ice skating rinks with me, and of course, be my special wife so my whole family can be happy too.

I hope you can help me.

A few things about me, though. I have some disabilities, and some medical problems. But nothing crazy. And I stopped doing drugs a long time ago. So, I think that will be helpful. I have a good heart, and just need a lifetime companion, a really good wife. I am not the best looking man in the universe, but I take a bath twice a week. But I am kind, helpful, and like gardening (but not in a faggy way), I own three cats, and I love learning new languages and cultures. I have studied Taiwanese also, mostly on Yahoo chat, and really love everything about Oriental culture, like suishi and old kung fu movies.

I hope you can help me.

Jimmy Smithers

The View from Above

Live Sex Shows on Patpong: The View from Above

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 13, 2011 by สะพานลอย

A menu of options await the Patpong visitor.

After giving much thought lately to the fabled “pussy shows” of Patpong, the notorious sex district in Bangkok, and wondering exactly how they originated in the history of the Thai red-light districts, we’ve devised a simple, non-scientific poll for our readers to help come to some conclusions about this mystery.

While women use certain techniques to develop their vaginal muscles, specifically the Pubococcygeus muscle (try saying that word after a few Bia Chang) in what is typically called a Kegel toning exercise, it is strange that a demand was somehow created for the various stunts listed on the helpful menu above. Any of these acts would make a great title for a Dean Barrett book. How about “Pussy Blowing Candle” by Dean Barrett? Now that’s a book we would spend $2.75 to read on a Kindle.

The View from Above

Where every vote counts….Vote early. Vote often.

TEFL International Clown Advocates Animal Cruelty, Genocide

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2011 by สะพานลอย

A casual perusal of the Stickman Bangkok site while we wait for his latest and greatest on Thailand’s red light districts shockingly reveals that the TEFL International Clown and Spokesman, Tim Torkildson, is still labouring away at the keyboard, flogging the benefits of teaching English in that sweatshop-like industry in Thailand with a TEFL International “certificate”, but this time with an alarming perspective on how to deal with the challenges of life in a Buddhist country.

In his most recent column called “Dog Daze”, Teacher Tim endorses the rather anti-Buddhist position that stray dogs, and indeed large swaths of the population of his adopted country should be exterminated. Citing the views of his “fiancé”, Joom, Teacher Tim believes that Thais should “collect and kill the tens of thousands of stray dogs” that make living in the kingdom treacherous for the circus clown, but that reflect the country’s Buddhist principles as they relate to population control. He goes on to suggest that Joom would make an excellent “Dog Executioner” given her innate desire to “destroy stray dogs.”

Further, as if the gross intolerance reflected here is not enough to send a Buddhist into several months of extended meditation in the nearest forest temple, Teacher Tim suggests that the disappearance of one particular dog resembled the political progroms that affected Argentine politics in the 20th century so notoriously. He hopes the dog in question was handled, in Teacher Tim’s words, “in much the same way, I hope, Argentine dissidents used to ‘disappear’.”

Teacher Tim, for all of his Thai students and prospective TEFL certificate clients not quite paying attention to this particular classroom and history lesson, is referring here to Argentina’s “Dirty War” whereby an estimated 9,000 to 30,000 left-wing dissidents were disposed of in secretive and inhumane ways. The victims, which included university professors, artists, writers and the like, were reportedly dropped alive out of helicopters or naval vessels into the Atlantic Ocean, or otherwise tortured and killed. Their “disappearance”, as Teacher Tim hopes of stray dogs and others he finds objectionable, is a euphemism for a politically orchestrated brutality and a certain death sentence. For more on Argentina’s “Dirty War’, Wiki, of course, provides an excellent article here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dirty_War.

While Teacher Tim describes his Thai girlfriend Joom as “half serious”, one wonders what other kinds of depravity the two of them are capable of imagining. Leaving aside the repellant effects this article would surely have on an aspiring TEFL certificate student intereseted in coming to Thailand (although, because of his way with words, we have recommended that Jimmy Smithers consider pursuing a TEFL certificate in Thailand: we believe he would make an excellent ESL teacher), and given the sensitive political conditions in Thailand at the moment, one would have to question both the apparent psychiatric instability of Teacher Tim and his bride-to-be, Joom, and the editorial discretion on the part of his publisher, Stickman Bangkok. All told, Saphan Loy believes that these are excellent vocabulary words to introduce into the ESL classroom in Thailand, or anywhere else in the world for that matter: “genocide”, “euthanasia”, “political disappearance” and “pogrom.”

The sign reads: Ex centro clandestino de detención, tortura y desaparición de personas, 1976–1979 (in English, "Former illegal center of detention, torture and disappearance of persons, 1976–1979"). It is placed on the former site of the headquarters of the police.

The View from Above

Bye Bi Kenny Ng: The End of the Affair Redux

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2011 by สะพานลอย

On the advice of our attorneys and my able team of medical professionals, we are now terminating our continued monitoring and coverage of the Big Baby Kenny Ng website. The stress of repeated violations of copyright protections coupled with the homophobic, racist and pedophilic conversations that Professor Ng continues to publish, has raised our blood pressure to unacceptable numbers. My personal physician, Doctor Alprazolam, has informed me that the added stress of monitoring the fecal matter that passes through the Professor Ng’s colon by way of his blasphemous, criminal and pedophilic blog site, expends far too greatly the energy that my body requires to ensure that its aging hardware operates in a healthy way.

Furthermore, our team of lawyers diligently preparing a lawsuit against the State of California, Professor Ng’s employer, is shouldering that part of the labour, and I no longer need to worry about the outcome. Indeed, we have engaged a financial advisor to determine proper asset allocations to ensure that the anticipated monetary damages sustain us for the long-term, while affording ample opportunities to make use of the accruing interest to pursue our hobbies: notably fly fishing, cross-country skiing, ecotravel, and the acquisition of small businesses and real estate holdings, including adult DVD production companies.

We of course wish Professor Ng all the luck in the world, as he will likely soon need it.  As Saphan Loy’s popularity and influence increases in the Thai red light blogosphere, it is becoming clear that the Big Baby Kenny Ng and his small coterie of self-authored aliases, or sock puppets, added to his stable of international criminals and assorted perverts, pedophiles, and pederasts, have become like irksome mosquitoes buzzing about the ears of the large pachyderm of blogging success that is Saphan Loy: a powerful symbol of resistance to Ng’s childish charade of a website, an unceasing committment to the truth, and the sharp intelligence of a Pulitzer-worthy investigative journalist.

In addition, it is painfully obvious that in the current politically-charged atmosphere in Thailand, Professor Ng’s assertions represent the most dangerous kind of writing on the Internet about Thailand. Politically reckless, disrespectful of all institutions of the country which so graciously allows sex tourists of his low status to use the nation and her people as a personal sex toilet, and blatantly offensive to common decency and the expected mores of behaviour that one hopes for in a public school teacher.

We would like to remind our readers that there are photographs of Professor Big Baby Kenny Ng entering the country. And they are taken at points of entry and departure and cached diligently in Thailand’s immigration control database. Paparazzi is not necessary: Thai authorities already know him by sight. It is our hope that he smiled and said “cheese” for the ever-vigilant Thai immigration officials, whose professionalism, patience and kindness often exceed the international standards that are usually met at the barest minimum in most places in the world.

Now if you’ll excuse me. The saga of the Hollow Men Operation and other equally important stories about the red light districts of Asia await our attention.

Big Baby Kenny Chow Ng: For A Different Take on HO 2, Click on Big Baby Kenny Chow

The View from Above

The Paris Hilton of the Thai Red Light Blogosphere

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 4, 2011 by สะพานลอย

As an appendix to our latest meditation on the nature of the free market economy in the global gallery of images, celebrity paparazzi and the like, as well as the introduction of Saphan Loy’s capital (and now a collective of various moneyed interests) into an otherwise moribund market for images of Thai nightlife celebrities like the Big Baby Kenny Ng, here is an update. Despite an overwhelming response from readers, professional photographers, curious Thai villagers, mercenary bar girls, etc., we have decided that, in addition to a solicitation for freelance photography services, it may be a more efficient use of our capital to engage the services of one of Bangkok’s most famous bar girl investigators directly for documentary evidence of the celebrity blogger, Big Baby Kenny Ng, enjoying his demoralising summer vacation.

But rather than poking holes in the maudlin, fictional fabrications of farmers’ daughters from Isarn, which takes all of the investigative skill of the disheveled security guard who salutes you as you enter Emporium, we will directly engage our investigator to dig around a little to unearth the comings and goings of the fabled celebrity blogger, Big Baby Kenny Ng, paying particular attention to the things he does between his more mundane errands like getting his dentition fixed or becoming flustered by the unresponsiveness of his bargain US smartphone. The irony of ironies that engaging a “bar girl” investigator would represent makes us chuckle like a Machiavellian villain, twirling his moustaches while the damsel (BBK) is rope-bound on the trestle of the Skytrain. Perhaps we can pay for not one, but two or more investigations? Who wouldn’t want to see the Bangkok Buddy, for example, eating fried chicken and drinking coffee, or playing video games in the grim prison cell of a cheap apartment building?

Ho hum. One of the things that Saphan Loy is especially vigilant against is the unauthorised photography of our person. This happens sometimes in large cities. We have found that, for the most part, Asian tourists, for some odd reason, find that a photograph of me would enliven their screen savers upon their return to their own countries and perhaps refresh their “happy memories” of their trip abroad. Even more strangely, one day in late spring, I was sitting on a park bench minding my own business, and a young woman, a complete stranger to me, maybe about 20 years old and clearly some kind of art student judging by the dubious way she was dressed, stood approximately fifteen yards away and had the temerity to snap a photograph of me while I gazed into the distance and fantasized about becoming a celebrity blogger like Big Baby Kenny Ng.

The brazen slut!

For once, William Mahanakorn was flabbergasted. That the camera lens was pointed in my direction was unmistakable and not a symptom of latent paranoia. While a few such errant thoughts managed to flash briefly, for example, is she with a foreign intelligence organization?, thus interrupting a serene idyll, my only ultimate resentment was that my image would perhaps appear without explicit permission in some esoteric and largely empty little museum somewhere in the hinterlands, in black and white or, worse, faux sepia tones, matted in an elegant frame with a small placard denoting the photographer and the late-night-marijuana-and-vodka-inspired title of the image, and gawked at only by other photography enthusiasts and art students, or the occasional itinerant who wandered into the museum accidentally in search of a public restroom in order to take a rudimentary bath with the fresh water of the sink.

But we digress. In truth, the question remains. Is BBK the new Paris Hilton of the Thai red light blogosphere? This really is the question that Saphan Loy’s growing (and potential) capital investment will seek to answer. We cannot ultimately promise results, however, because it is challenging to persuade a bar girl investigator that someone who looks like BBK could possibly have a jilted ex-wife who is seeking evidence of his squandering of child-support payments on the red light districts in Bangkok, or his commission of insurance fraud against Delta Dental: a fiction, of course, that the investigator would presumably hope to verify.

One more note on the taking of photographs in the red light districts of Bangkok. And this is in response to the hobo-like Bangkok Buddy’s trembling fears that one of his Bangkok buddies, “the viking“, was taking too many pictures at “the ranch”, which is against the Bangkok Buddy’s “rules.”

met 2 new lounge lizards tonight.  first, there was the viking.  second was the nun.  I sort of took a liking to the nun.  but then, since the priest was there.  I stepped aside.  I wasn’t too comfortable with the viking.  man, he was taking pictures left and right.  and frankly, one of the rules at the ranch is – you can’t take pictures.

Here is a little analogy for Bangkok Buddy’s sleep-deprived mind to comprehend, when he is not playing Space Invaders with his joystick. Say, for example, Saphan Loy Productions LLC wishes to produce a film about an American professor who becomes enamoured with a Thai ladyboy in one of his frequent trips to the brothel districts of Bangkok. They fall in love, but the professor does not realize that “she” is really a “he.” Humiliated, he angrily calls off the wedding. After a fun series of comedies and cultural misunderstandings, and a particularly fun sequence in which the professor travels to the ladyboy’s village and meets a colourful assortment of his relatives and neighbours, the professor vows his undying love for the Thai ladyboy. They get married in San Francisco, and live happily ever after. They even adopt some Chinese babies, and give them caucasian-sounding names like Kenneth and Dorothy.

Now, most of our film will unfold in the red light districts of Thailand, much like Hangover II. We apply for the appropriate permissions via the Thailand Film Office (http://www.thailandfilmoffice.com/FAQs.html), and wait patiently (about 14 days) for our script to be approved. Through a Thai production coordinator, we make the appropriate arrangements for locations, interiors, etc. More importantly, we make prompt cash payments to all concerned governmental parties and Thai filmmaking technicians. We rent the expensive cameras and recording equipment necessary from Thai companies. We even hire local actors and actresses. We remember to send appropriate gifts to local politicians (i.e., two bottles of Johnny Walker Blue tied together with a red ribbon) whose jurisdiction includes our set locations. Shooting goes smoothly, and we get all the footage we need of Thailand’s notorious nightlife and lots of fun photographs of places like Cassanova’s or similar establishments. Not only is photography “allowed” on “the ranch”, in Saphan Loy’s illustration, it is actively encouraged and supported by Thai authorities. We bring our Thailand footage to the post-production facility in Los Angeles, neatly edit our unwatchable, poorly scripted film, market it to distributors, and the moronic public lines up to purchase a ticket and a tub of overpriced popcorn with a large plastic cup filled with corn syrup, sugar, and carbonated water.

Saphan Loy’s offer stands: We are looking for candid images of the celebrity blogger and sex tourist Big Baby Kenny Ng enjoying his sex holiday in Bangkok. The photos must be of journalistic quality and be verifiable. All inquiries may be directed to saphanloy@gmail.com. A basic contract will be required, which spells out the terms of the exchange and will be provided for serious inquiries only. All editorial inquiries will be treated with complete confidentiality.

The View from Above