Archive for November, 2013

My Lovely Lek: a User’s Guide to Thai Ladies for Dummies (Part 1)

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2013 by สะพานลอย
The lovely assistant, Lek.

My lovely assistant, Lek.

I met my lovely assistant Lek in the most auspicious of ways. I was loitering around the Phra Trimurti shrine in Bangkok, just minding my own business, eating from a plastic bag full of fried crickets, and checking out the hot arses and feet that can be viewed best from behind while the young fillies make offerings and wishes for an overweight farang with horrendous dentition to whisk them off their feet and take them to never-never land, visa restrictions, various terms and diplomatic conditions permitting.

This is the ideal way to meet vulnerable Thai ladies!

A shrine where vulnerable Thai ladies are to be found.

A shrine where vulnerable Thai ladies are to be found. (courtesy of Kenneth Ng, Phd, California State University at Northridge)

One day, sometime in fin de siecle Bangkok….

Lek stood out from the group of her sisters in the fish bowl massage parlor I used to frequent. I went to this particular massage parlor because the attendants there were always willing to help me stand up after I had finished about twelve large bottles of Chang, and they were also quite helpful in ensuring that my wallet stayed firmly in my breast pocket, unmolested. I am ashamed to admit that there were times when I didn’t quite make it to the loo, and I urinated in my trousers.

But somehow I always made it upstairs to the massage and hot tub rooms, where I would promptly fall asleep. Believe me, no one is more embarrassed by the ugliness of my early days in Thailand than I am. But, as they say, I “clean up nicely.” Somehow I managed to convince Lek that I was an honorable chap who could be trusted. After all, I am a man of wealth and taste, and what few flaws I then possessed (a tendency toward over-consumption of spirits leading to long-winded speeches about the decadence of the West) could conceivably be overlooked by the right peasant girl. In Lek I found this amenable combination. She had the fortitude of a day-laborer, the shrewd intellect of a street hustler, and the looks of dusky sex monkey. What more could a man want or need for that matter?

But taking on the responsibility of a Thai farm girl is not easy. There are many rules, most of which are unspoken, that one begins to see in the course of the relationship. In this post it is my hope that, for those of you interested in my relationship with Lek, I can spell out certain of these rules and save you a lot of the trial and error that I had to endure. So here it is, gentle readers: The Dummy’s Guide to Thai Ladies.

The Dummy’s Guide to Thai Ladies

First thing’s first. Thai ladies should always be referred to correctly as a “Lady.” Do not make the mistake of referring to her in mixed company as a “young woman” or as one’s “lover.” I once made the grave error of referring to her as my courtesan at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel, much to the displeasure of the front desk staff. Besides, referring to her as anything other than a “lady”  would accidentally confer upon her a dignity she does not yet lay claim to, and embarrass whatever company you tend to keep in places like the Thermae. And anyway, the term “lady” conjures an aristocratic image of a “lady in waiting”, or even some kind of princess, and she will learn to thank you for this association.

How to captivate your new Thai Lady's heart.

How to captivate your new Thai Lady’s heart.

Next up, disciplining your Thai lady. One of the most difficult aspects of a relationship with a Thai lady is determining how much she should be disciplined. Now, I know what you are thinking. What sorts of discipline, you dirty old man? Well, for starters, with Lek I seriously restricted her behaviour and I later came to control both her diet and her dress. This facilitated the further control of her expenditures, but more on that presently.

Behaviour modification was attained with Lek by the end of our first year of living together. She was eager to learn at my knee, and by using my impeccable Thai language skills to give voice to my very specific needs, she quickly grasped key points of my expectations for her. Her dress was carefully monitored (since I purchased her wardrobe directly), from her skirts and sandals to the colour of her knickers.

However, she didn’t always obey at first, and for these times, I resorted to making liberal use of a crude switch from the mango tree to strike her bare brown buttocks until she tearfully apologised. She was accustomed to this from her youth in the village with a stern often intoxicated father, and she took to it well. I wasn’t one, of course, to leave red welts, or the like. And after her switching, there were additional tears and much pouting, but I made sure to make it up to her by purchasing for her some coconut sweets from the little stall down by the bus stop.

However, discipline is something that takes time to develop. Do not rush in at the slightest sign of insubordination and strike your living love doll. You might lose her and in the process invite the wrath of her less tolerant male relatives. So go slow and go easy. Slow and steady wins the race. You may, however, accelerate the type and frequency of her corporal punishment as necessary. But in time you will reach a nice equilibrium.

For example, at this point in our relationship, Lek is quick to confess her digressions (overspending at the mall, or encouraging the attention of a Thai male), and in so confessing, she eagerly retrieves the switch and the ball-gag from our “toy box” and, proffering them, kneels at my feet and awaits her spanking.

Look for more helpful hints from Saphan Loy’s Dummy’s Guide to Thai Ladies in the following weeks. Making use of Saphan Loy’s tried and true techniques, you too can achieve that special bliss with your beautiful Thai lady.

Find and keep your Thai lady using Saphan Loy's Thai Lady User's Guide for Dummies

Find and keep your Thai lady using Saphan Loy’s Thai Lady User’s Guide for Dummies

The View from Above