Archive for June, 2014

Saphan Loy’s Account of the Thai Military Occupation

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 8, 2014 by สะพานลอย

Well, first some sour news for those of you wondering where we have been. Longtime readers will recall our former friend, Jimmy Smithers, who has had his fair share of problems, medical, psychological, and moral. For the longest time, he had lost touch with us, following his own downward spiral living alone in the United States, alcoholic, sexless. About eight months ago, he managed somehow (with the assistance of a minor windfall that allowed him to purchase an airline ticket) to travel back to Thailand. Occasionally, he would drunkenly call the Saphan Loy hotline, insult Lek with some choice vulgarities he had been cultivating in his imbecilic brain, and not be heard from again for weeks, sometimes months.

Let’s skip ahead to this coup d’état, which has made Thailand about as attractive of a tourist destination as North Korea in midwinter. Recently, Lek and I received a strange and garbled telephone call from the Thai-Cambodian border crossing at Poipet. And yes, it involves Jimmy Smithers, that fat fuck. The Thai military had detained him after an incident at some derelict bar on the Thai side. According to the authorities, he had been drinking for four straight days and was under the influence of a powerful barbiturate that Cambodians reserve for controlling its genetically inferior livestock.

Poipet border crossing

Poipet border crossing

What happened at the bar is unclear, and we can only surmise at this point. However, we had our lawyer (one of Lek’s family “friends”) contact the military commander in charge of Sa Kaeo province to see if this could be sorted out amicably for poor old Smithers.

Now, let me warn readers in all due seriousness. Saphan Loy is not going to sugarcoat the whole military situation the way StickmanBangkok so blithely has.

The coup d’état is real. And they mean business.

The military commanders reported that sometime around 3:00 AM on the previous Tuesday morning, Smithers launched into a political tirade, incomprehensible to most, made several rude gestures with parts of his anatomy, attempted to hoist his fat arse onto the bar itself which then precipitated a rapid structural degradation of the bar-top collapsing it like dry bamboo under his weight, which, in turn, compromised the walls of the flimsy structure that had been built to accommodate the fly-by-night watering hole. He had said some pretty offensive things, the poor old bugger. Were I there to counsel him, I would have pounced on his grotesque body and forcefully clamped his mouth shut.

The military immediately detained him and we haven’t heard from him since.

Now, all things considered, life for farang is pretty much normal in this period of dark political uncertainty, particularly in Bangkok. We can still come and go as we please as long as we observe a curfew and do not stir up the shit-pot. And yes, the bars are still open, though largely empty and depressing. However, I know I am speaking for a large contingent of resident expats (including the Bay Area Boyfriends) when I say that it could be worse.

We should all thank our lucky stars that we have not been rounded up at gunpoint and sent by railway out into the countryside to begin a “reeducated” life of collective rice farming on sprawling communes owned and operated by InTouch Holdings PLC (formerly Shin Corp) of which the largest shareholder is Singapore’s Temasak Holdings through a subsidiary called Aspen Holdings Ltd at 41.62% of the company. I ain’t gonna work on Yingluck’s farm no more!

Curfews and fear have put a major damper on my wandering of the red light districts of Bangkok. So what’s a serious hedonist to do in the city during difficult political times? Well, for one, stock up. And I don’t mean on Sri Racha sauce and pla duk. I mean on bar girls.

What started as a nuisance has become something much worse. And Lek is none too pleased. Here’s the thing. When you have one mia luang, and you want to bring mia noi into the flat, you will encounter, how do I say it with sensitivity, challenges.

My impulse was almost charitable. Lek has known about Tuy for the better part of the year and has been very tolerant of our harmless crush. Tuy hails from the metropolis of Lopburi, and she is a tad darker (maybe two tones) than Lek, and younger with beautiful long black hair, a stunning smile, and piercing eyes. I suggested to her that, because of the well-known wild monkeys in her home town, perhaps she is part sex monkey herself.

Lek's new "friend", Tuy

Lek’s new “friend”, Tuy

At any rate, Tuy was caught out by the coup. She did not have the cash-flow to go all the way back to Lopburi, and she certainly didn’t want to stay in a crowded little place with several other catty farm girls who menstruate at the same time, so I invited her to stay with us until this all blows over.

Lek, as you may suspect, was furious. But since I am the man of the house, I insisted. I warned Lek that at a time of military occupation of the country, she should listen to my commands if she knows what would be best for her long-term peace and stability. In parallel to the new military order, I have become emboldened to act like General MacArthur in my own home, in complete command of two Thai bar girls. Yes, it is a challenge. But like MacArthur, my resolve is like newly forged steel.

So there it is folks. As I write this, Tuy is watching something mindless on the television (more of the same, Thai military processions and poorly-composed patriotic anthems) while picking her nose. Lek is in our bedroom taking a nap. And to be perfectly honest, I am enjoying every minute of this military “interlude”. It’s about time we had some structure and order around here.

The View from Above

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