Saphan Loy’s Year End Roundup and Shameful Holiday Greetings!

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 27, 2013 by สะพานลอย
Time to stuff some stockings.

Time to stuff some stockings.

Christmastime in the red light districts of Bangkok is a special time. The booze flows freely, the ladyboys prance about in a state of magical, yaa baa-induced wonder like sugarplum fairies, and the Stickman takes a moment to reflect on all of the beautiful Thai courtesans whom he assiduously refused to have sex with in 2013. The “naughty webmaster” for “naughty boys” will likely be rewarded for his efforts with big black lumps of coal in a torn fishnet stocking hanging glumly from his limp mosquito net.

Even my special assistant, Lek, is unusually festive as she busies herself around the Saphan Loy executive suite picking up empty beer bottles and scrubbing the stains out of the faux leather divan where, in between long periods of writing and drinking, I have expended considerable fluids in sating the out-of-control, simian-like libido of a brown-skinned idolater. By the way, she despised part one of the Saphan Loy’s Thai Ladies for Dummies™ guide, mainly because she, like all Thais, does not like to have our “dirty laundry” aired in a public forum. Nonetheless, for her insolence, she will be amply rewarded in the new year.

Yes, gentle readers, it’s that time of year again. Time to take stock of what has been an utterly sordid and shameful year in the red-light districts of Bangkok, and for the bloggers who have attempted to type a word or two about their equally unsavoury experiences. 2013 also marked the dramatic disappearance of some from the game, as well the dogged persistence of the few who remain, banging the tired gong of their own misguided takes on why Cambodia and the Philippines are starting to look better and better.

The Departed

BigBabyKenny.com is defunct.

BigBabyKenny.com is defunct.

The biggest departure of 2013 was the abandonment of the now defunct BigBabyKenny.com. Not with a bang, but a whimper. The bloated sex professor most likely abandoned his blog in part because of a new and punitive teaching schedule which has kept him from a dubious hobby that once saw him board a Boeing 757 bound for sex paradise every summer, just as soon as the last of his retarded undergraduate students left his office after complaining about their depressed grades and threatening to have their mothers call him directly. Mercifully, he has even stopped authoring the ridiculous comments in which Professor Ng shares everything from references to pedophilia, racial remarks on the US presidency, and homophobic slurs aimed at Thailand’s transgendered community.

The second departure this past year has been the disappearance of Bangkok Buddy, a gentle soul who only sought out “happy memories” among the cheapest brothels, free buffets, and dive bars of Bangkok. In return, his cadre of Chinese friends, who bizarrely call themselves “The Bay Area Boyz”, turned on him and drove him off the Internet. The story behind his disappearance is complicated, and we have written about the sordid details previously. The lesson in the Bangkok Buddy (and his “Bay Area Boyfriends”) story is that you should carefully evaluate your “friends” in Thailand. Are they mentally ill? Is this mental instability the result of too many drugs, or a strange Syphillitic condition brought on by overexposure to tropical venereal diseases? You must choose wisely.

The "Bay Area Boyz" of Bangkok celebrating Christmas.

The “Bay Area Boyz” of Bangkok celebrating Christmas. Photo courtesy of Chris Madeira.

Still Plugging Along: The Museum Sites

The Stickman of Bangkok continues his efforts at creating the seamless infomercial for all things commercial sex in Southeast Asia, including his oft-featured ladyboy escort sites which he plugs repeatedly. Knowing how much of a prude the Stick is, we wonder if 2014 will be the year he allows one to plug him as well. Now that would be worth a read.

While 2013 saw very little variation in his advertisement blog, he nonetheless did add a widely criticized “Girl of the Week” section, in which he features the homeliest of Thailand’s bar girls who offer a stark reminder that it is better to depart well before the cock crows if one is to preserve the hazy alcoholic image of your bar-fined assignation from the night before.

One of the main weaknesses of this feature is that it throws unflattering light on the girls in question and by extension on the entire bar culture in Bangkok. Without beer goggles, the plain Janes, or plain “Leks” of the chrome pole seem wan and distant and somewhat malnourished. They appear almost as lifeless and uninteresting as a horrid Chris Coles painting. We at Saphan Loy have decided that the Stickman is no longer as relevant as he was, say, in 2002. Therefore, he joins the ranks of Saphan Loy’s “Museum Sites.” These are sites that have not changed their general appearance (think primary colours, slapdash HTML, and banner ads), content, or their format since their ill-advised conceptions. They shrink from technical innovation and change, and are stuck in time, like a Polaroid picture of a bar-girl staining the sheets of some short-time hotel in Pattaya.

Bangkok Eyes: Midnight Hour

Our friend Will Morledge over at Bangkok Eyes is still at it. Although Saphan Loy has teased him in the past, we have to admit that his site has become more interesting as he has started to publish more historical information and archival photographs. Have a look at his December column for some visually satisfying images from the former Mississippi Queen bar in Patpong. In the ever-changing field of Bangkok red-light blogs and websites, Morledge’s persistent longevity is really quite admirable and worth a look every month.

Joy from the Missippi Queen Bar, circa 1970s. See Bangkokeyes.com.

Joy from the Mississippi Queen Bar, circa 1970s. See Bangkokeyes.com.

Red-Light Bloggers Still Pounding Away

Mobi d’Ark. Our friend Mobi is also, bless his soul, still having a seat in front of his keyboard and sharing his thoughts and impressions of the world of a Pattaya expat. He is also making available his literary efforts online, and should you be interested in Thailand-based fiction, have a look at his offerings. Mobi, who has endured various hardships this past year, remains a stalwart of the Thai blogging scene. We hope he keeps at it.

Finally, for those of you who miss the Big Mango Bar blog, rest assured that you can still get your fix over at Mango Unchained, a continuation of sorts of the old blog, only a bit more subdued and with a great improvement in the quality of the writing. Graham, who moderates the blog, does an excellent job selecting stories and keeping things moving along.

The premise behind the blog is that these are stories that feature things to do away from the neon glare of the bars themselves, and focus more on expat life in the company of your special Thai lady friends. These are often interesting vignettes into the strange habits and ways of the Thai lady, and how they behave outside of captivity. However, you will still find a story or two about an amusing pub crawl. Well worth a look in 2014.

The Year Ahead

Speaking of special Thai lady friends, look for more of Saphan Loy’s words of wisdom on the treatment of our executive assistant, Lek. As ever, we will task her with various degrading assignments throughout Bangkok, ferreting out information for use in this column. She is quite the สายลับ and she knows the backstreets of our mean city like the back of her graceful, elongated hands.

So, as long as you are sober or sane enough to type a URL into your browser, or remember to make Saphan Loy your main source of information on all things Thai red-light blogs, we will endeavour to type up this column for your edification. Lek and I wish you and yours a very Happy Christmas and New Year, and may all of your red-light district experiences be sordid and disgraceful! Who knows? Perhaps we will meet somewhere on Patpong and I will happily autograph your Thai bargirl’s small, boy-like breasts (with No. 2 pencil eraser nipples) with my felt-tip pen. For a nominal fee, of course.

With that, we leave you with Saphan Loy’s Girl of the New Year! Enjoy!

Saphan Loy’s Girl of the New Year:

The Lovely Kim XXX or Manga

Kim XXX, or Manga, Thai German Porn Star
Kim XXX, or Manga, Thai-German Porn Star

Name: Kim XXX, or Manga

Official Website 

Age: 26

Nationality: German

Languages: German and Thai

Special Skills: Engaging in depraved group sex scenes with German men,

consuming the semen of multiple donors, Thai cooking, reading “ka-toon”

Kim XXX, or Manga, is an amazing actress, and a real Thai sweetheart. She is a Thai sex machine who speaks German. What more could one ask for? Her performance range is unlike anything you will likely see in your alcoholically foreshortened lifetimes. She is petite, hard-bodied, and pumped up with enough silicone to firestop a skyscraper. Her twisted German overlords feature her on a site called German Goo Girls (I’ll leave it to you to do your own research), where they make her the degraded object of their Teutonic perversions. Happy New Year, Manga!

The View from Above

My Lovely Lek: a User’s Guide to Thai Ladies for Dummies (Part 1)

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2013 by สะพานลอย
The lovely assistant, Lek.

My lovely assistant, Lek.

I met my lovely assistant Lek in the most auspicious of ways. I was loitering around the Phra Trimurti shrine in Bangkok, just minding my own business, eating from a plastic bag full of fried crickets, and checking out the hot arses and feet that can be viewed best from behind while the young fillies make offerings and wishes for an overweight farang with horrendous dentition to whisk them off their feet and take them to never-never land, visa restrictions, various terms and diplomatic conditions permitting.

This is the ideal way to meet vulnerable Thai ladies!

A shrine where vulnerable Thai ladies are to be found.

A shrine where vulnerable Thai ladies are to be found. (courtesy of Kenneth Ng, Phd, California State University at Northridge)

One day, sometime in fin de siecle Bangkok….

Lek stood out from the group of her sisters in the fish bowl massage parlor I used to frequent. I went to this particular massage parlor because the attendants there were always willing to help me stand up after I had finished about twelve large bottles of Chang, and they were also quite helpful in ensuring that my wallet stayed firmly in my breast pocket, unmolested. I am ashamed to admit that there were times when I didn’t quite make it to the loo, and I urinated in my trousers.

But somehow I always made it upstairs to the massage and hot tub rooms, where I would promptly fall asleep. Believe me, no one is more embarrassed by the ugliness of my early days in Thailand than I am. But, as they say, I “clean up nicely.” Somehow I managed to convince Lek that I was an honorable chap who could be trusted. After all, I am a man of wealth and taste, and what few flaws I then possessed (a tendency toward over-consumption of spirits leading to long-winded speeches about the decadence of the West) could conceivably be overlooked by the right peasant girl. In Lek I found this amenable combination. She had the fortitude of a day-laborer, the shrewd intellect of a street hustler, and the looks of dusky sex monkey. What more could a man want or need for that matter?

But taking on the responsibility of a Thai farm girl is not easy. There are many rules, most of which are unspoken, that one begins to see in the course of the relationship. In this post it is my hope that, for those of you interested in my relationship with Lek, I can spell out certain of these rules and save you a lot of the trial and error that I had to endure. So here it is, gentle readers: The Dummy’s Guide to Thai Ladies.

The Dummy’s Guide to Thai Ladies

First thing’s first. Thai ladies should always be referred to correctly as a “Lady.” Do not make the mistake of referring to her in mixed company as a “young woman” or as one’s “lover.” I once made the grave error of referring to her as my courtesan at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel, much to the displeasure of the front desk staff. Besides, referring to her as anything other than a “lady”  would accidentally confer upon her a dignity she does not yet lay claim to, and embarrass whatever company you tend to keep in places like the Thermae. And anyway, the term “lady” conjures an aristocratic image of a “lady in waiting”, or even some kind of princess, and she will learn to thank you for this association.

How to captivate your new Thai Lady's heart.

How to captivate your new Thai Lady’s heart.

Next up, disciplining your Thai lady. One of the most difficult aspects of a relationship with a Thai lady is determining how much she should be disciplined. Now, I know what you are thinking. What sorts of discipline, you dirty old man? Well, for starters, with Lek I seriously restricted her behaviour and I later came to control both her diet and her dress. This facilitated the further control of her expenditures, but more on that presently.

Behaviour modification was attained with Lek by the end of our first year of living together. She was eager to learn at my knee, and by using my impeccable Thai language skills to give voice to my very specific needs, she quickly grasped key points of my expectations for her. Her dress was carefully monitored (since I purchased her wardrobe directly), from her skirts and sandals to the colour of her knickers.

However, she didn’t always obey at first, and for these times, I resorted to making liberal use of a crude switch from the mango tree to strike her bare brown buttocks until she tearfully apologised. She was accustomed to this from her youth in the village with a stern often intoxicated father, and she took to it well. I wasn’t one, of course, to leave red welts, or the like. And after her switching, there were additional tears and much pouting, but I made sure to make it up to her by purchasing for her some coconut sweets from the little stall down by the bus stop.

However, discipline is something that takes time to develop. Do not rush in at the slightest sign of insubordination and strike your living love doll. You might lose her and in the process invite the wrath of her less tolerant male relatives. So go slow and go easy. Slow and steady wins the race. You may, however, accelerate the type and frequency of her corporal punishment as necessary. But in time you will reach a nice equilibrium.

For example, at this point in our relationship, Lek is quick to confess her digressions (overspending at the mall, or encouraging the attention of a Thai male), and in so confessing, she eagerly retrieves the switch and the ball-gag from our “toy box” and, proffering them, kneels at my feet and awaits her spanking.

Look for more helpful hints from Saphan Loy’s Dummy’s Guide to Thai Ladies in the following weeks. Making use of Saphan Loy’s tried and true techniques, you too can achieve that special bliss with your beautiful Thai lady.

Find and keep your Thai lady using Saphan Loy's Thai Lady User's Guide for Dummies

Find and keep your Thai lady using Saphan Loy’s Thai Lady User’s Guide for Dummies

The View from Above

“Bay Area Boys” and the Life of Gay Frivolity of the Chinese Expats

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , on October 27, 2013 by สะพานลอย

As promised, and after careful research about the American West Coast “boys” who are all Asian and have decided to grace Thailand with their munificent presence, here goes. Although to be fair, Lek is pulling on my pant leg insisting that I don’t go through with it.

After questioning multiple sources and discovering the true modus operandi of a small group of Asian Americans of Chinese origins who have menaced Caucasian bar owners and others in Bangkok, it reveals yet another bizarre chapter in the ways in which expatriates in Thailand, surrounded by the plenitudes that Thailand has to offer, insist on going after each other like catty schoolgirls. Perhaps this is the direct result of the effects that the promiscuous expense of semen has on the brain? It also reveals the lengths to which a small cadre of Chinese miscreants will go to pursue those who simply want to enjoy the pleasures of the Orient and who prefer to keep to themselves.

That said, the cast of characters is as stated above, Chinese. Now, Saphan Loy has written extensively about the role the Chinese play in Thailand, and have historically played in the vice rackets. But this small cadre of characters, described in detail by Jerry Bingsell Ching (the former Bangkok Buddy), used to “hang” together, play together, “ogle” together, and stiff bar owners together by pigging out on “all you can eat buffets.”  We know that this was a pattern that was well-established, and that Jerry described in great and yawn-inducing detail.

Steven Frank?

One momentous day, one of Jerry’s bisexual friends, Chris Madeira, made a pass at him by rubbing his thigh at the Thermae. Jerry used his little blog to accuse Chris of all sorts of things, including stalking him, being addicted to ya baa, and being mentally unstable. That, in turn, brought out another one of the members of the cadre, “John Brown” who Big Baby Kenny outed as Steve Frank of Hawaii and Phuket. Frank’s modus operandi was to deluge various blogs with invective hurled at Kenny’s arch nemesis, the Big Mango. Then, a funny thing happened. Big Baby Kenny actually outed Frank within the comments section of his now defunct blog.

While Saphan Loy usually does not care a whit about things of this nature and is unlikely to report out on this issue any further, the following threat from one of the Chinese San Francisco triad prompted me to get more “hands on” in this unpleasantness. The sad part of all of this is that it once again shows how foreigners in Thailand are like groups of bitter old women who try to take each other down over the most meaningless of issues. Here is the comment in question:

Before you trash talk and take pot shots like a “Dastard Sniper” its wise to know your victims and be better informed about their sexuality etc. The Bay Area Boys are anything but homosexual – perhaps Lek serviced most of them before getting on your limp dick. You seem to constantly mention the Homophobia that circumvents Thermae Bar – have you not come out of the closet yet? Thermae Bar is a coffee-shop – Bar that attracts a large Japanese following where freelance Thai girls work without obligation to the establishment. The Bay Area boys have the means to bring you into the legal arena and sue the arse of you or close down your trashy blog. You wouldn’t want to run into the young Madeira boy anytime soon either.

In this comment, which discloses both a legal threat and a threat of violence, Dr. Phil seems fixated on accusations of homosexuality, the nature of the clientele at the Thermae, and whether or not I have a “limp dick.” I am of the impression that only a homosexual would be likely to make inquiries as to the nature of my genitals, and, well, Lek agrees with this, given her familiarity with the Asian kathoeys that are found throughout the kingdom. Bless her heart.

Addressing his legal concerns, I would invite him to first direct all further legal inquiries to the “Bay Area House Boy” who exposed Chris Madeira in the first place: Jerry “Bangkok Buddy” Ching. I would also direct him to the other source of the leaked identity of one of the San Francisco blue boys, Steve Frank: BigBabyKenny.com.

Speaking of the Big Blathering Baby, I recently dug up a putative photograph of his relatives. I share it here because it shows a very nice, if gravely disappointed Chinese couple.

Proud parents.

Proud parents.

To Dr. Phil, and the rest of the San Francisco triad, you can put that in your opium pipes and smoke it!

The View from Above

“Bay Area Boyz” in Bangkok: Chinese Americans and their Various Perversions

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , on September 18, 2013 by สะพานลอย

Working on a very good story about a group of Americans from, surprise, California who are all Asian Americans and who like to assault Caucasian bar owners in Bangkok with their vindictive and bizarre accusations. They are all from San Francisco (why is the Thermae gay scene so surprising, given this context?) We are working on the details. Lek is intrigued when I tell her that Asian men from  San Francisco are most likely of the kathoey variety…she says “leave them alone.” Stay posted.

Bangkok Buddy Returns….Sort of.

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 6, 2013 by สะพานลอย

Bangkok Buddy, who disappeared from the Thailand brothel blogging world after accusing his yaa baa-addicted friend Chris Madeira of rubbing his groin at Bangkok’s notorious Thermae after-hours freelancer club, has returned!

Well, sort of.

While his new incarnation is called a “Photo a Day from somewhere in Bangkok”, he has used this space to post old photographs of very young Asian women and, in a bizarre turn, little children. Meanwhile, his thoughts, feelings, and daily musings remain private for a select handful of likely dwindling friends.

Alas, Saphan Loy is not one to judge, and Lek believes that the pictures, especially of the women who are at least child-bearing age, are possibly meant to persuade his former readers that he may have been (back in the 1980s and 1990s) a devout heterosexual. Whatever the case, it’s clear that Bangkok Buddy is reevaluating his life by way of these oddly selected photos of young Asian women and children, and that the whole lover’s quarrel with Madeira really has upset his emotional equilibrium. We wish him a speedy return to sanity!

The View from Above

Bangkok Buddy Down for the Count?

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , on August 27, 2013 by สะพานลอย

Well, it looks like that gentle, penny-pinching recluse of Bangkok has decided to put away the keyboard, vowing to post exclusively for the handful of remaining friends who have been invited to follow his (un) adventures. Shortly before quarantining his blog from the general public, Bangkok Buddy reported that he was being harassed, stalked, and threatened by his former “friend” Chris Madeira. He even posted a photograph of him and claimed he was addicted to drugs, among other things. One thing is for certain: in the Land of Vertical Smiles it pays to be wary of the company you keep in some of the most notorious red light districts in the world. That said, we wish Bangkok Buddy well and raise a lukewarm Singha to his “happy memories” in greener pastures. Or even nastier dive bars. He will be missed.

 

The View from Above

Bangkok Buddy Update

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , on July 21, 2013 by สะพานลอย

Bangkok Buddy has returned to the airwaves. Apparently, he decided to privatize his blog, the result of which was that his “fans” or “friends” had to send an email to request access. Since this process didn’t work out as planned (his friends claimed they were unable to access the private blog, probably because of poor computer skills), his traffic dropped precipitously. No wonder. At any rate, the Scrounge Lizard is trying it again. Mosey on over for your dose of the shits, showers, and shaves. He has recently written that if he continues to receive grief or abuse from strangers, he will go back to private, with a scattering of “fans” and friends and dwindling hit counts. Our advice to him: get over it. You should feel somewhat honored that people actually care enough to toss around a few harmless comments.

The View from Above