Archive for California State University at Northridge

Saphan Loy’s Year End Roundup and Shameful Holiday Greetings!

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 27, 2013 by สะพานลอย
Time to stuff some stockings.

Time to stuff some stockings.

Christmastime in the red light districts of Bangkok is a special time. The booze flows freely, the ladyboys prance about in a state of magical, yaa baa-induced wonder like sugarplum fairies, and the Stickman takes a moment to reflect on all of the beautiful Thai courtesans whom he assiduously refused to have sex with in 2013. The “naughty webmaster” for “naughty boys” will likely be rewarded for his efforts with big black lumps of coal in a torn fishnet stocking hanging glumly from his limp mosquito net.

Even my special assistant, Lek, is unusually festive as she busies herself around the Saphan Loy executive suite picking up empty beer bottles and scrubbing the stains out of the faux leather divan where, in between long periods of writing and drinking, I have expended considerable fluids in sating the out-of-control, simian-like libido of a brown-skinned idolater. By the way, she despised part one of the Saphan Loy’s Thai Ladies for Dummies™ guide, mainly because she, like all Thais, does not like to have our “dirty laundry” aired in a public forum. Nonetheless, for her insolence, she will be amply rewarded in the new year.

Yes, gentle readers, it’s that time of year again. Time to take stock of what has been an utterly sordid and shameful year in the red-light districts of Bangkok, and for the bloggers who have attempted to type a word or two about their equally unsavoury experiences. 2013 also marked the dramatic disappearance of some from the game, as well the dogged persistence of the few who remain, banging the tired gong of their own misguided takes on why Cambodia and the Philippines are starting to look better and better.

The Departed

BigBabyKenny.com is defunct.

BigBabyKenny.com is defunct.

The biggest departure of 2013 was the abandonment of the now defunct BigBabyKenny.com. Not with a bang, but a whimper. The bloated sex professor most likely abandoned his blog in part because of a new and punitive teaching schedule which has kept him from a dubious hobby that once saw him board a Boeing 757 bound for sex paradise every summer, just as soon as the last of his retarded undergraduate students left his office after complaining about their depressed grades and threatening to have their mothers call him directly. Mercifully, he has even stopped authoring the ridiculous comments in which Professor Ng shares everything from references to pedophilia, racial remarks on the US presidency, and homophobic slurs aimed at Thailand’s transgendered community.

The second departure this past year has been the disappearance of Bangkok Buddy, a gentle soul who only sought out “happy memories” among the cheapest brothels, free buffets, and dive bars of Bangkok. In return, his cadre of Chinese friends, who bizarrely call themselves “The Bay Area Boyz”, turned on him and drove him off the Internet. The story behind his disappearance is complicated, and we have written about the sordid details previously. The lesson in the Bangkok Buddy (and his “Bay Area Boyfriends”) story is that you should carefully evaluate your “friends” in Thailand. Are they mentally ill? Is this mental instability the result of too many drugs, or a strange Syphillitic condition brought on by overexposure to tropical venereal diseases? You must choose wisely.

The "Bay Area Boyz" of Bangkok celebrating Christmas.

The “Bay Area Boyz” of Bangkok celebrating Christmas. Photo courtesy of Chris Madeira.

Still Plugging Along: The Museum Sites

The Stickman of Bangkok continues his efforts at creating the seamless infomercial for all things commercial sex in Southeast Asia, including his oft-featured ladyboy escort sites which he plugs repeatedly. Knowing how much of a prude the Stick is, we wonder if 2014 will be the year he allows one to plug him as well. Now that would be worth a read.

While 2013 saw very little variation in his advertisement blog, he nonetheless did add a widely criticized “Girl of the Week” section, in which he features the homeliest of Thailand’s bar girls who offer a stark reminder that it is better to depart well before the cock crows if one is to preserve the hazy alcoholic image of your bar-fined assignation from the night before.

One of the main weaknesses of this feature is that it throws unflattering light on the girls in question and by extension on the entire bar culture in Bangkok. Without beer goggles, the plain Janes, or plain “Leks” of the chrome pole seem wan and distant and somewhat malnourished. They appear almost as lifeless and uninteresting as a horrid Chris Coles painting. We at Saphan Loy have decided that the Stickman is no longer as relevant as he was, say, in 2002. Therefore, he joins the ranks of Saphan Loy’s “Museum Sites.” These are sites that have not changed their general appearance (think primary colours, slapdash HTML, and banner ads), content, or their format since their ill-advised conceptions. They shrink from technical innovation and change, and are stuck in time, like a Polaroid picture of a bar-girl staining the sheets of some short-time hotel in Pattaya.

Bangkok Eyes: Midnight Hour

Our friend Will Morledge over at Bangkok Eyes is still at it. Although Saphan Loy has teased him in the past, we have to admit that his site has become more interesting as he has started to publish more historical information and archival photographs. Have a look at his December column for some visually satisfying images from the former Mississippi Queen bar in Patpong. In the ever-changing field of Bangkok red-light blogs and websites, Morledge’s persistent longevity is really quite admirable and worth a look every month.

Joy from the Missippi Queen Bar, circa 1970s. See Bangkokeyes.com.

Joy from the Mississippi Queen Bar, circa 1970s. See Bangkokeyes.com.

Red-Light Bloggers Still Pounding Away

Mobi d’Ark. Our friend Mobi is also, bless his soul, still having a seat in front of his keyboard and sharing his thoughts and impressions of the world of a Pattaya expat. He is also making available his literary efforts online, and should you be interested in Thailand-based fiction, have a look at his offerings. Mobi, who has endured various hardships this past year, remains a stalwart of the Thai blogging scene. We hope he keeps at it.

Finally, for those of you who miss the Big Mango Bar blog, rest assured that you can still get your fix over at Mango Unchained, a continuation of sorts of the old blog, only a bit more subdued and with a great improvement in the quality of the writing. Graham, who moderates the blog, does an excellent job selecting stories and keeping things moving along.

The premise behind the blog is that these are stories that feature things to do away from the neon glare of the bars themselves, and focus more on expat life in the company of your special Thai lady friends. These are often interesting vignettes into the strange habits and ways of the Thai lady, and how they behave outside of captivity. However, you will still find a story or two about an amusing pub crawl. Well worth a look in 2014.

The Year Ahead

Speaking of special Thai lady friends, look for more of Saphan Loy’s words of wisdom on the treatment of our executive assistant, Lek. As ever, we will task her with various degrading assignments throughout Bangkok, ferreting out information for use in this column. She is quite the สายลับ and she knows the backstreets of our mean city like the back of her graceful, elongated hands.

So, as long as you are sober or sane enough to type a URL into your browser, or remember to make Saphan Loy your main source of information on all things Thai red-light blogs, we will endeavour to type up this column for your edification. Lek and I wish you and yours a very Happy Christmas and New Year, and may all of your red-light district experiences be sordid and disgraceful! Who knows? Perhaps we will meet somewhere on Patpong and I will happily autograph your Thai bargirl’s small, boy-like breasts (with No. 2 pencil eraser nipples) with my felt-tip pen. For a nominal fee, of course.

With that, we leave you with Saphan Loy’s Girl of the New Year! Enjoy!

Saphan Loy’s Girl of the New Year:

The Lovely Kim XXX or Manga

Kim XXX, or Manga, Thai German Porn Star
Kim XXX, or Manga, Thai-German Porn Star

Name: Kim XXX, or Manga

Official Website 

Age: 26

Nationality: German

Languages: German and Thai

Special Skills: Engaging in depraved group sex scenes with German men,

consuming the semen of multiple donors, Thai cooking, reading “ka-toon”

Kim XXX, or Manga, is an amazing actress, and a real Thai sweetheart. She is a Thai sex machine who speaks German. What more could one ask for? Her performance range is unlike anything you will likely see in your alcoholically foreshortened lifetimes. She is petite, hard-bodied, and pumped up with enough silicone to firestop a skyscraper. Her twisted German overlords feature her on a site called German Goo Girls (I’ll leave it to you to do your own research), where they make her the degraded object of their Teutonic perversions. Happy New Year, Manga!

The View from Above

Big Baby Kenny (Gangnam) Style and Some Thoughts on Stuckman

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2012 by สะพานลอย

Before we begin this latest installment, a word of sincere thanks to William R. Morledge, Jr., whose recent mention of Saphan Loy over at Bangkok Eyesore has really generated an impressive spike in traffic figures here at The View from Above. Also, while Lek and I are no experts on Lenny Bruce, the comparison Morledge makes is a flattering one. Lenny Bruce is a name I vaguely recall my grandfather mentioning in between sips of red wine. At 9 o’clock in the morning. While driving me to elementary school.

That William Morledge “gets it” is a testament to someone in the red light blogosphere who at a minimum has a sense of humour about the whole thing, or who at least doesn’t take writing about red light districts in third world countries to absurd heights of self-importance, like the self-styled authors of the red light pulp books do, or other “webmasters” who consider their work “important” beyond the very narrow confines of converted Chinese shop-houses-cum-brothels in our favourite decadent Southeast Asian city that we call home, or even the absurd paint-making of Chris Coles who turns the red light districts of Thailand into a seedy laboratory for his masturbatory experiments in appallingly offensive applied finger-painting.

That said, and moving on. If anyone has ventured a visit to the now moribund Big Baby Kenny Ng site, one will witness there the final gasps (yes, we have been saying it has been on its last legs for some time now) of a perverted and reclusive non-productive member of the academic community at the California State University at Northridge. Lek was reminded of Big Baby Kenny Ng recently when she stumbled upon this crazy Korean “Gangnam” tune that has attracted more than 438 million pairs of eyeballs on Youtube.

When we had the misfortune of looking at the unspeakably offensive video, we were amazed by the bizarre resemblance to Big Baby Kenneth Ng. Could it be?

Why Stickman No Longer Matters

When Stickman began his project to digitally chronicle the red light districts of Bangkok in the late 1990s, his site was an instant hit. He recognized a market need and filled it. This is the hallmark of a good entrepreneur. It provided a central place where once could obtain information about everyone’s favourite red light districts in Asia, and it molly-coddled elderly pensioners wishing to blow a wad on beer and hookers. He more or less picked up where the ailing and ageing Bernard Trink left off at the Bangkok Post, the old “mosey on down for a shandy” that appeared every Friday and of which Saphan Loy was a loyal reader.

The Stick’s site was, and is, garish and colourful. He tinted his writing with a gosh-golly-gee tone that served him well initially, but which now seems quaint, prudish, and paradoxical. He was able to attract the eyeballs of older sexpats everywhere, while not putting them off with confusing jargon or pointless technicalities. His site was (and is) a kind of “Thai Prostitution for Dummies”. He was “inclusive” to a a very limited extent by allowing his“readers” to submit pointless stories, the better of which he awarded special “green stars” (much like a school-marm would dole out) which in turn became a distinction that a cast of certain characters relished. In a real sense, Stickman’s reader submissions were a precursor to the ways that the internet would change over the years with more or less instant commentary, threads, and robust discussion forums. And this is precisely the direction that the red light sites ventured. Except Stick’s.

We have written in the past that Stick is stuck in the late 1990s, and these days, while digital information is moving at speeds well above what the Stickman may be most comfortable with, it is clear that the Stick’s stuck site may not be as useful as it once was, or as lucrative.

For starters, it is not optimized for mobile platforms (just like others hosted by geriatric webmasters which his site is coming to resemble). Secondly, who bothers to read the “Green Star” submissions, when similar stories are on offer in blogs like the Big Mango Bar Blog, where the commentary is often more elucidating than the submission itself? And finally, with the proliferation of sites like Tagged.com or Thai Lust Links, or whatever, the Internet has made possible all sorts of assignations that render a bar essentially a quaint holdover to an earlier time, when the Internet or even the telephone was less optimal in enabling the delivery of willing and able-bodied young women (or, in Stickman’s case, young ladyboys) to a man’s doorstep.

By extension, it may be argued that the whole red light mirage in Thailand may soon find itself evaporating in the humid night air along with the decline of the structures that support it, namely the old Western men who will (and have) been expiring in the Land of Vertical Smiles while pursuing the brown nymphs of the rice fields. When will the property values of the red light districts in Bangkok surpass any conceivable business reasons to maintain brothel bars for the long-term?  In our estimate, the time has already come.

The View from Above

Saphan Loy’s Summer Reading List: The Collected Works of Professor Big Baby Kenny Ng

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 5, 2012 by สะพานลอย

The summer has been a great time to relax, unwind, and lounge by the swimming pool with Lek who dutifully ensures that my ice and alcohol are always freshened in this dubious cocktail I am now holding and considering in the hot summer sun. But summer is also a time for reading, and Saphan Loy’s reading list is extensive and varied. When I am not reading Stickman’s up-to-date and often astonishing accounts of what is happening in the Thai red light districts, I may tuck into a good novel by Dostoevsky, or a narrative history of the Javanese, or even the latest copy of Foreign Affairs.

But this summer, we tried something quite different, and quite revealing at the same time. I dispatched Lek to the local library to conduct a bit of research. Namely, we wanted to consult the corpus of economic writings by Big Baby Kenny Ng, and to see how his views in these journal articles and book reviews (for he has yet to write a monograph) complement his thoughts and feelings on the pay for play sex scene in Thailand.

Granted, this may not be productive summer reading, but it was nonetheless worth doing. Lek and I are no experts on economic history, but we know a thing or two about Thailand and its sexpat culture, so the comparison actually proved quite fruitful. However, Lek was a bit peeved that she had to give up her Thai lakorn consumption for an afternoon or two while she toiled away in the library, but it certainly forced her to practice her English with the exasperated reference librarian. Plus, she was amply rewarded upon her return with a fifty dollar bill and the directive to go and buy herself some new lingerie.

Professor Big Baby Ng has not produced many articles at all, relative to his career as a professor of economics. From the years 1988 to 2003, Lek found evidence of but one paper that was authored solely by him called “Free Banking Laws and Barriers to Entry in Banking, 1838-1860” which was published in the Journal of Economic History in 1988. It appears that the Big Baby Kenny Ng preferred, rather, to publish works with co-authors, likely assigning the lion’s share of the work to them. In addition, his academic output seems to have disappeared altogether in 2003 likely coinciding with his increased interest in the red light districts of Asia.

For example, Ng and Dennis Halcoussis published “Determinants of the Level of Public School Discrimination, 1885-1930” in 2003 in the Journal of Education Finance. In 1993 he and Nancy Virts, his colleague at California State University at Northridge, published “The Black-White Income Gap in 1880” in Agricultural History. Ng and Virts also had earlier published “The Value of Freedom” together in the Journal of Economic History in 1989.

Given Ng’s impoverishment of analytic skills when it comes to the people, religion, culture, and prostitutes of Thailand, it is not surprising that he required a co-author for these relatively short journal articles. One can only imagine the amount of work that Professor Virts had to shoulder as she labored away at the typewriter while Kenny played poker or visited Los Angeles massage parlors.

At any rate, Lek found evidence for no less than four book reviews by Big Baby Kenny Ng. These are interesting for a variety of reasons, chief among them the fact that he generally cares for none of the books he has been tasked with reviewing. He especially took aim at one book The Causes of the 1929 Stock Market Crash: A Speculative Orgy or a New Era? by Harold Bierman Jr. by wondering what constitutes a “speculative orgy.” While Bierman blames a “speculative orgy” for the 1929 Stock Market Crash, Ng sees it differently. He believes there is no difference between market dynamics in the stock market, and a “speculative orgy.”

Saphan Loy believes that Ng really just wanted an opportunity to use the word “orgy” several times.

Professor Big Baby uses the word “orgy” five times in his book review.

Which brings us to the final book review that Saphan Loy and Lek found most insightful. In his review of The Wealth of Races: The Present Value of Benefits from Past Injustices. Contributions in Afro-American and African Studies edited by Richard America, and which Ng reviewed in the Journal of Southern History in 1994, Big Baby Kenny Ng takes on what must have been the rather contentious issue of reparations to blacks for the injustice of slavery.

His position regarding reparations (i.e., retro-payment for the ancestors of former slaves): Let them eat cake. He asks,

What peculiar notion of social justice is served by taxing recent immigrants from Korea, Hong Kong, or Vietnam, whose ancestors had no role in creating, maintaining, or ending slavery to compensate living blacks for the enslavement of their dead great-great-great-great-great grandfathers?

Later, Ng oddly brings up the Jews. He says, oh, leaping ahead to 1969 for the sake of argument that:

In 1969 Jewish family income was 172 percent of the national average. In the same year, Japanese, Polish, Chinese, Italian, and German income was 132 percent, 115 percent, 112 percent, and 107 percent of family income respectively. Does this mean that Jews are responsible for the lower incomes of Japanese families, Polish families responsible for Chinese income, and on and on?

That Kenny. Always using his crazy figures to make an outrageous and ill-conceived point. He further goes on to say in effect that a lot of white Americans died in the Civil War. In a particularly morbid calculation, Big Baby Kenny states that one white Union soldier was killed for every six freed slaves. Furthermore, he maintains and that in the reconstruction period in the South, “freed blacks experienced enormous economic benefits — enough to provide each black family in 1986 with an annual annuity of $43,000 to $74,000.”

Whoa! That be like hittin’ the lottery, mofo!

Ng has a fondness for the gratuitous use of figures that rarely add up (remember his estimate that there are nearly 7 million transgender male-to-females in Thailand alone?) Then again, Ng has a thing for slaves and money. He in fact compared Thai office girls to “slaves making the middle passage” in this gem where he observes them:

…packed like slaves making the middle passage bus ride to their 3000 THB/ month room with no toilet on the outskirts of Bangkok after grinding out 10 hours a day six days a week for barely enough money to pay rent, eat cheap street food, and the monthly treat of KFC and a movie and wish you had a way to scoop a couple of juicy ones out of the stream just like the grizzly paws out some prime salmon for his daily feast.

It may be concluded that Professor Big Baby Kenny Ng objects to historical reparations for slavery if only because such a payment should logically come in exchange for the sexual gratification of his genitals. All this talk of slaves and money has raised one important question that Ng has yet to answer. What about reparations for a sex slave? Were she not fitted with a ball gag, perhaps we could ask Elana.

Sex slaves deserve recompense too.

The View from Above

Deconstructing Big Baby Kenny Ng: A Textual Analysis of the Post Heard Round the World

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2012 by สะพานลอย

Reprinted at bigdummykenny.com, courtesy of webarchive.org. Originally posted to The Farang Speaks Too Much (tfs2m.com) circa 2009. Acknowledgments go to BigDummyKenny.com for reviving this gem for our edification. Big Baby Kenny’s words are italicized while Saphan Loy’s analysis is not. The following is a critical exegesis of the post that set into motion a chain of events culminating in the public outing of Professor Kenny Ng at the California State University at Northridge. Enjoy.

 Buddha and Babes by BigBabyKenny

Before we analyse the content of the article, a word or two about Big Baby Kenny Ng’s choice of title is in order. Reference is  made to the Phra Tri Murti Shrine (sometimes spelled as Tri Murati) as well as the Erawan shrine located in Bangkok. The shrines referenced here are actually Hindu, so all subsequent references to Buddhism in this article are flatly wrong. The Hindu shrine Phra Trimurti represents the “trinity” (hence “tri”) of divinities in Hinduism, namely Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. The Sanskrit term is  त्रिमूर्तिः trimūrti.

Hinduism, carried and practiced by Indian merchants, mendicants, or learned Brahmans in the early centuries of the Common Era (the exact factors that played into the transportation of Indian culture to Southeast Asia has never been concretely established), was a part of Southeast Asia’s historical contacts with the rituals of Hinduism, and later Buddhism. For this reason, many of the references to the lingam (phallus) and the yoni (vagina) found in Thailand are derived from these early influences. Buddhism and Thai society have tolerated the pre-Buddhist images and rituals from Hinduism, hence the multitude of lingam images in stone and wood carving found on display on the sidewalks of Sukhumvit, and the shrines that Kenny references within this blog post.

Secondly, researching the Hindu significance of the Phra Tri Murti Shrine did not require an enormous amount of effort or energy on Saphan Loy’s (or Lek’s) part, certainly not the kind generally associated with an academic paper. That the professor failed to cross-check a very simple fact, which was facilitated by a major commercial internet search engine, indicates his impoverishment of prose composition skills and research abilities.

 Some posters write semi fictional, self glorifying stories masquerading as the truth featuring themselves as heroes with Brad Pitt’s looks, James Bond’s savoir faire, and porn star cocks who leave every girl breathless, sated, and slavering for more—and expect us to believe what they write is 100% the truth.

Despite many omissions of the hyphen in what are essentially hyphenated adjectives or noun phrases (semi-fictional, self-glorifying, porn-star, savoir-faire) in this paragraph, the intent and meaning seem clear: the author does not believe all written accounts of the Thai red light districts he encounters on the Internet. Given the author’s misrepresentation of the Phra Tri Murti shrine as “Buddhist” in the very title of his post as well as the body, why would one choose to believe his?

Others write self-deprecating but still half fictional stories full of mirth and humor that leave you breathless on the floor laughing.

Generally, this is a poorly constructed sentence, and the use of the word “mirth” is anachronistic. Were the Big Fat Baby Kenny Ng to find himself “breathless on the floor”, it would be far likelier that he were suffering a cardiac event precipitated by morbid obesity and poor health, or the strain of especially vigorous masturbatory activity.

And then there are the stream of consciousness, mis-spelled, no paragraph disasters written with a 9th grade vocabulary, featuring 6th grade grammar and sentence structure by barely high school educated, full of themselves, pint sized pizza delivery boys in The World who are legends only in their own minds, posts, comments or when they are strolling Beach Road, Soi 6, and Sukhumvit after 3AM with 500 THB in their pocket.

The word “misspell” does not require a hyphen. By the sixth grade in the United States public education system, a student would likely be able to recognize a run-on sentence. That a university professor fails to recognize the example he has produced here is an especially embarrassing grammatical error, considering that he is trying to point out the grammatical flaws of others. This paragraph would benefit from the insertion of punctuation and far fewer adjectives for clarity and comprehensibility. “And” he begins the entire paragraph with a conjunction.

I like to run down a different path.

Rather than making up some fictional, self glorifying drivel, I try to provide advice and information that properly handled lets you get banged better, cheaper, and more efficiently.

The first sentence here is a confusing metaphor at best. Does he mean to say, “run up a different path?” Or, “take a different approach?” Is he reaching for the phrase, “to take a different tack?”

Saphan Loy believes the declarative sentence, wherein he promises that his writing will allow the unschooled sex tourist to “get banged better, cheaper, and more efficiently”, should stand on its own as a testament to what is precisely wrong with the good economics professor of the California State University at Northridge.

(see How to Meet Normal Thai Girls by Billy Bangkok for an example of someone using the blog this way)

I hope you appreciate the difference.

Everybody would like to leave The Reservation and mix it up with the 99.9% of the Thai women/girls who aren’t doing P4P with farangs.

A few words of explanation for Saphan Loy’s general readership are in order here. Ng is referring to sex tourists who, having grown weary of circulating among the prostitutes on the “Reservation” (generally defined as Nana Plaza, Soi Cowboy, and to a lesser extent Patpong 1 and 2 – collectively, the red light districts of Bangkok), “would like to leave” to form relationships with the majority of Thai women and girls who are not prostitutes (“P4P” is the acronym for “Pay for Play” – the act of remunerating women, ladyboys, bar boys, and bargirls in exchange for sex services).

Who hasn’t ridden the BTS, scoped the legion of TG Hotties who don’t know the difference between long time and short time, long balling and short balling, a first and fourth down, are a little fuzzy if you can drive between Washington D.C. and Los Angeles in an afternoon, and wonder what it would be like to have access to the prime chicks who lives their lives off The Reservation?

Notes: BTS is the Bangkok Mass Transit System’s Skytrain, a popular means of mass conveyance that is elevated above the city’s traffic and congestion. “TG” is short for “Thai Girl.” The slang use of the verb “to scope” is normally used with the accompanying word “out”, as in “scope out.” Grammatically, this sentence is difficult to parse because of the confusion of ideas and the colloquial use of terms denoting sexual intercourse and the sex trade in Bangkok. Here, the author is attempting to demonstrate that the girls and women he sees on the Skytrain excite his imagination with the desire to meet a non-prostitute in a setting other than a bar in the red-light district for the purposes of initiating sexual intercourse.

 You can sit on the outdoor patio of The Duke of Wellington when businesses close and like a grizzly bear during the annual salmon run admire the never ending stream of beautiful stunning stylish Silom office girls climbing onto the baht bus for their 1+ hour sweaty no aircon, packed like slaves making the middle passage bus ride to their 3000 THB/ month room with no toilet on the outskirts of Bangkok after grinding out 10 hours a day six days a week for barely enough money to pay rent, eat cheap street food, and the monthly treat of KFC and a movie and wish you had a way to scoop a couple of juicy ones out of the stream just like the grizzly paws out some prime salmon for his daily feast.

The Duke of Wellington Bar in Bangkok is located across from the Patpong red light district and in the United Center Building on 323 Silom Road. The Silom District, in addition to being home to Patpong, is the main business district in Bangkok. Ng here is referring to the “office girls” who work normative office jobs for low wages (relative to what Ng would be willing to pay a woman to copulate with him or perform oral sex on him) and what he construes as an impoverished lifestyle, however virtuous said lifestyle would be in accordance with the young woman’s Buddhist principles. This paragraph is an extraordinarily long example of a run-on sentence (see Ng’s commentary regarding sixth grade grammar and sentence structures above). It would benefit from far fewer adjectives as well as some punctuation. Furthermore, the mixed metaphor Ng attempts to make here is a predatory one: he imagines himself as a Grizzly bear fishing during a salmon run. In the same metaphor, he also equates hard-working young professionals in Bangkok with “slaves”, a loaded term for a culture with a long history of slave ownership and debt bondage. For more on modern sex slavery in Thailand, please see Dean Barrett’s website.

This post provides some help and practical advice about transforming the fantasy into reality.

A healthy rewarding approach to getting along in Thailand is to acknowledge Thailand is a foreign country and culture with its’ own unique rules and customs, expend some resources and mental energy exploring and trying to understand how and why the place works, and then bend and manipulate the local rules and customs to make Thailand cough up and surrender what it has to offer— easily, cheaply, and efficiently.

Extending the predatory metaphor further, here Ng suggests in an oppressive and colonial way that an understanding of Thai culture would go a far way in facilitating his prurient sexual objectives. By learning the “local rules and customs”, Professor Ng believes that he could then “bend and manipulate” them, just as he has done more recently to secure a retirement visa, so that Thailand “coughs up and surrenders” its young women for his sexual gratification. The most egregious grammatical error in this paragraph is the incredible misuse of the apostrophe in the word its. Generally, a sixth grade student would probably recognize this error as well.

The suffering of Christ.

 Thailand doesn’t work the same way as The World. That is what makes it so much fun and once you learn the ropes it can be really really really amazing how easy it is to get things that, in The World, are out of reach for most of us or where the cost/benefit analysis just makes it too damn much trouble.

Here is an example.

In Christianity it isn’t kosher to pray to Jesus for money, fame, or getting laid frequently and well by multiple young beautiful girls. That’s not the way Christianity works.

“The World” presumably refers to the western world (the United States, Canada, and Europe.) In Christianity, it is appropriate to pray to Jesus Christ for forgiveness of one’s sins, and the salvation of one’s soul (and the souls of all sinners) in the hereafter, and not for the material benefits of the here and now. The suffering of Christ is a major trope in Christianity, and its similarity to the Lord Buddha’s teachings on the subject does not end here.

 Buddhism, the dominant religion in Thailand and large swaths of Asia, is different. Not only is it perfectly OK, to pray to be rich, famous, and handsome, to live in a big house full of fawning servants, married to a young super hottie, with a couple of even younger hotter hotties stashed as mia nois in Silom and Ekkamai luxury condos, with a garage full of Bentleys, Ferraris, and a Maybach, and to be young, healthy, and handsome to boot but if you don’t ask Buddha your fellow Buddhists will consider you a bit eccentric.

Theravada Buddhism, the type found throughout Southeast Asia, is quite different from the Mahayana traditions of Northeast Asia. However, the type that is practiced in Thailand (Theravada) with its traditions of compulsory monkhood, does not condone the accrual of material wealth for its own sake. Rather, this form of Buddhism preaches moderation, the “middle way” that the Buddha advocated, between pure asceticism and self-indulgent pleasure seeking. Unlike Christianity, however, Buddhism does not necessarily require anyone to behave any certain way dogmatically, or follow any moral precepts whatsoever, since the individual soul has many chances to improve future life cycles. Clearly, however, Thai Buddhism does teach pure living, non-violence, generosity of spirit, moderation in deeds and thoughts, fearlessness, non-grasping, and, well, pretty much all of the positive characteristics that one sees embodied among the population in workaday Thailand. Acts performed in this life, such as self-indulgent pleasure seeking or criminal behavior, will be rewarded or punished in the next one in accordance with one’s karma (กรรม).

The Buddhist priesthood is set up to profit from such requests—acting as sort of a middleman between you and Buddha, and, of course, like all religions collecting a fee for the service. We’ve all read about amulet mania—where Thais bid up the price of certain amulets made of dried mud to diamond like levels. Where do you think all that money ends up?—in the hands of the monks who craft them. More commonly, when a Buddhist wants something they go to the appropriate temple or shrine, make an offering, i.e. give the monks some cash, submit their request, and wait for results.

The Buddhist priesthood is not “set up” to profit from its communities. As was demonstrated during the time of the Protestant Reformation in Europe, powerful religious structures with their own hierarchies are often subject to this specious claim, which is often based on a superstitious trepidation of authority figures, or a pronounced political agenda that seeks to shift religiously ordered power away from a central authority. In Thailand, the temple serves as an important moral center of the community, and the abbot and his monks and servants, out of an abundance of compassion, seek to assuage the concerns and anxieties of their congregants, not to run the temple like a corporate profit center. For an example of a highly profitable religious enterprise in the United States, see Mormonism as a case in point. The absurdity of Professor Ng’s claims here is really beyond the pale.

There is even market segmentation and specialization among the monks/temples. Some temples are general purpose wats where you can ask for anything, e.g. Erewon. Others are known to be extra powerful for certain classes of requests—sort of like visiting Lourdes and drinking the holy water if you are Christian and sick.

The professor here has misspelled another Hindu shrine in Bangkok, and not a Buddhist temple. It is called Erawan, and it represents Brahma, the all-powerful deity of Hinduism. The shrine was built in 1956 at the behest of astrologers in consultation with the Hyatt Corporation, and is located near the Grand Hyatt Erawan Hotel. (See remarks about the Phra Tri Murti shrine above.)

 So if you are a young suphaak and nareek Thai girl/women stuck in an out of the way office with no chance to advertise her wares, with a worthless no money, girl abusing, no appreciation Thai mini-boyfriend or no boyfriend or decent prospects at all, who sees all the beautiful clothing that she will never wear in her rented copies of foreign fashion mags, reads about the interesting and glamorous lives of rich Thai celebrities, walks through Siam Paragon wearing her cheap Pratunam knock offs and sees the racks of beautiful designer clothing and jewelry expertly and exquisitely crafted to make a girl look stunning and irresistible, who sits on the bus everyday getting raisined by the harsh tropical sun and realizes that in a few short years she will be on closeout sale under the harsh Thai rules of marriage and dating and pine for some action where do you go?

Because the Big Fat Baby Kenny does not understand a word of Thai, and he has no experience rendering the language in standard Romanisation, the Thai words he attempts to phonetically illustrate here are incomprehensible. In professor Ng’s analysis that follows, the majority of Thai women and girls (earlier established by him at 99.9% of the female population) who work an honest living in Bangkok should be rightfully seduced by the lure of money in exchange for sexual intercourse or oral sex with western men the likes of him. Again, the professor would profit from a remedial sixth-grade refresher course in English grammar rules. This run-on sentence reads like the incoherent ramblings of a schizophrenic.

(See Fresh Produce Shopping Part 2B-The World’s Greatest Starbucks and Some Advice About How to Meet and Bang Normal Thai Girls by BigBabyKenny for a discussion of suphaak and nareek and the Thai Girl Hierarchy of Desirability.)

Amazingly enough, the answer is Central World!

Yes–the big shopping mall on the corner of Rama 1 and Rachadamiri across the street from The Big C and SuperRich. The mall with the excellent collection of restaurants on the 6thand 7th floor, a Powerbuy, an Iberry, and two excellent cinemas.

After referring the reader to another advice column on how to extract sexual services from Thai girls and women, the Big Fat Baby Kenny Ng reveals the answer to the straw-man of a “problem” that he laboriously established with his misinformed expository paragraphs: a shopping mall.

On the northeast corner are two Buddhist shrines.

Here is a pic of the important one—the Pra Tree Muarati shrine (I am sure this is spelled wrong!).

Notice that the crowd of worshippers is almost exclusively younger Thai women.

Not to belabor the point, but these are not Buddhist shrines. Making an offering to a Hindu shrine is far different from ritual prayer at a Buddhist temple.

That is because the Muarati shrine is known as THE SHRINE to make an offering when you are seeking love or need help with affairs of the heart.

Fact is frequently weirder than fiction and nowhere more than in Amazing Thailand. Is it possible that in a desperately poor country, where the genes, diet, and environment produce a plethora of lean low fat super babes, where said super babes have no opportunities for economic advancement and a decent standard of living except marriage but prevailing social beliefs prevent even the babeiest babe from marrying above her class, where 20% of the native men spend their lives wearing a dress, high heels, mascara and saving their money to have their wieners cut off and the mutilated remains fashioned into a faux vagina, and the rest of the men are mainly a bunch of trike sized no money wife beaters who treat their dogs better than their women, that the shrine where said super hotties get down on their knees and pray the local gods for relief would be located smack in the heart of farangdom—-only 4 BTS stops from The Reservation?

According to Professor Ng’s figures, nearly seven million Thai men have surgically and cosmetically altered their appearances in an effort to enjoy the material rewards of prostitution.

In this extraordinarily long run-on sentence, Professor Ng presents his rationale for stalking women and girls at the shrine who wish to improve their romantic lives. Bizarrely, Ng also believes that 20% of the male population of Thailand, or roughly 6,912,223 out of 69,122,234 people (assuming the nearly constant rate of 1 male for every female throughout age groups – see United States Central Intelligence Agency demographic figures for Thailand) are “ladyboys”, or male to female transgendered persons!

To put this figure in greater perspective, the Thai military is comprised of only 664,560 active and reserve personnel. Furthermore, the largest city in northern Thailand, Chiang Mai, if extended to include its entire metropolitan area, has a population of only one million people.

Amazing Thailand!!!!!!!

I am pretty sure that most of you can figure out what to do from here but I will soldier on.

Right behind the main offering area shown in the pic, Buddha has thoughtfully provided a nice long comfortable marble bench. This bench is the good girl analog to seats right inside the door at G-Spot, the seats at Big Dogs where you can watch the parade of girls entering and exiting Nana Plaza, and the outdoor patios of Cowboy GoGo’s—the ones with the best view of the girl action.

Any time day or night, buy a cold Coke Zero or a six pack from one of the nearby vendors or the Big C, plop down on the bench and check out the hopeful local girls down on their knees desperately praying to Buddha for a better more fulfilling love/sex life.

Most of us have developed pretty good pole reading skills. In a GoGo, most of us can scope the girls, read their physical appearance, demeanor, grooming and dress (if she is wearing any) and make pretty good deductions about the girl-her background, her life, and what it would be like to bang her.

Generally, one exclamation point suffices to make a sentence more exclamatory, not seven. Most American students are taught the rules of punctuation by the third grade. Thailand is amazing, indeed, given the sheer number of transgendered men in the kingdom by Professor Ng’s unfounded estimates. Contrary to Ng’s assertion, the Buddha did not provide a long comfortable bench for petitioners to the Phra Trimurti shrine: the designers of Central World did. In the first paragraph, Ng compares sitting near the shrine and ogling the “good girls” to sitting inside a girlie bar called “G-Spot”, or the outdoor seating near Nana Plaza or on Soi Cowboy (two notorious red light districts in Bangkok).

Without much mental effort, I can take a quick look at gogo girls on the pole and construct an almost always 90% accurate personal history/profile of any girl—which ones are struggling, which are prospering, which have babies, which are on Yabaa, which prefer Japanese guys, how long they have been in the bar, whether they have a Thai boyfriend, how hard they will bargain, whether they are into long time or are looking for a quickie in the short time room, and, most importantly, what type of ride they are going to give you in the bedroom. I don’t think I am unique or have any special skill that most experienced farang don’t possess. GoGo Girl reading is a naturally acquired skill for most farang.

Here, Professor Ng boasts that he has spent so much time in Thailand’s go-go bars that he now possesses an uncanny ability to determine demographic, psychological and sociological data for every girl he sees with her legs wrapped around a pole. His detective work must be impressive indeed. He is able to tell which young women have given live births (likely detectable by stretch marks on their skin which a blind man can no doubt observe as well), which prostitutes are addicted to methamphetamines (yaa baa), etc. Perhaps he would do well to learn the Thai language in order to actually query his subjects, a task of the intellect that would be far too demanding of the professor’s less than formidable mental acuity.

You can exercise similar reading skills at the Murati shrine and select the girls which suit your personal preferences. Uni girls, office girls, college educated girls, fresh from the rice paddy girls, teenage girls, bruised up girls mired in abusive relationships—they all come to pray and make offerings at the Muarati shrine and they get off their knees firm in their faith and rock solid in their belief that a few baht, some cheap incense and roses will convince Buddha to twist fate their way and produce a decent boyfriend, a good husband, some sexual adventure, or relief from their loneliness and/or their current shitty Thai man.

In this paragraph, Ng shows that he is able to use his “girl-reading” skills to analyse potential targets of his dubious sexual contrivances. It is here that he advocates that one may exercise personal preferences that potentially include “teen-age girls.” There is no more damning evidence of Ng’s proclivities than what is spelled out here in a long, grammatically tortured paragraph.

Courtesy of BigBabyKenny.com.

When you see one that strikes your fancy, wait until they have finished praying, follow them a short distance and approach them.

(The other Fresh Produce posts discussed how to present yourself, and what to say when you meet Fresh Produce so I won’t belabor these points here. See the Ramkahaeng andStarbucks Soi Lang Suan posts.)

The simplest thing is to politely ask them if they know where there are any nice places to eat nearby. When they mention a few, act stupid about how to actually find them, and ask them if they would personally show you the way and, offer them some free eats as a token of your gratitude for her help.

The naysayers will say it’s creepy to be hanging around the Muariti Shrine hitting on the emotionally vulnerable girls desperately praying and paying Buddha for a better love life but I beg to differ. Buddha works in mysterious ways.

Although they don’t consciously realize it, the typical farang is exactly what these Thai girls are praying for—a decent guy with some money who takes care of those close to him, who doesn’t look down on them because their parents weren’t born into money and wealth, who doesn’t hold it against them that they don’t have a fancy education, who appreciates and values girls with loving hearts, who take pride in taking care of their man—men who are looking for a fun, loyal, good hearted girl who is also drop dead gorgeous and dynamite in bed.

You want it and they want it—the stars are wonderfully in alignment at the Muarati Shrine!

Again, the premise of targeting women and girls at the Phra Tri Murti shrine is founded on the misconception that it is Buddhist. (See “Buddha works in mysterious ways.”) In this equally damning paragraph, the Big Fat Baby Kenny Ng makes a feeble case for enticing women away from the shrine in order to feed them some food at a restaurant somewhere “nearby” and ply them with sexual advances, exploiting their natural aspirations and hopes, not for an overweight, aging professor with a laundry list of perverted sex needs and fetishes, but for a more secure future in which she might more sustainably participate in material and/or romantic rewards of a quickly globalizing world.

I am not a Buddhist but when you learn about the Muarati Shrine, where it is located, and what it is purportedly good for, it is hard not to believe that Buddha put the shrine close to The Reservation for a reason and I personally am happy giving Buddha helping hand.

And there is no reason you shouldn’t also.

BigBabyKenny

In short, Professor Big Fat Baby Kenny Ng is the answer to the prayers of Thai girls and women not only at this particular shrine, but throughout the Kingdom of Thailand. Because of his faith in the mysterious powers of Hindu shrines in allowing him to sexually victimize their supplicants, naturally he should probably consider becoming a “good Buddhist” whose intentions are anything but pure.

The View from Above