Archive for Chris Coles

Saphan Loy’s Year End Roundup and Shameful Holiday Greetings!

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 27, 2013 by สะพานลอย
Time to stuff some stockings.

Time to stuff some stockings.

Christmastime in the red light districts of Bangkok is a special time. The booze flows freely, the ladyboys prance about in a state of magical, yaa baa-induced wonder like sugarplum fairies, and the Stickman takes a moment to reflect on all of the beautiful Thai courtesans whom he assiduously refused to have sex with in 2013. The “naughty webmaster” for “naughty boys” will likely be rewarded for his efforts with big black lumps of coal in a torn fishnet stocking hanging glumly from his limp mosquito net.

Even my special assistant, Lek, is unusually festive as she busies herself around the Saphan Loy executive suite picking up empty beer bottles and scrubbing the stains out of the faux leather divan where, in between long periods of writing and drinking, I have expended considerable fluids in sating the out-of-control, simian-like libido of a brown-skinned idolater. By the way, she despised part one of the Saphan Loy’s Thai Ladies for Dummies™ guide, mainly because she, like all Thais, does not like to have our “dirty laundry” aired in a public forum. Nonetheless, for her insolence, she will be amply rewarded in the new year.

Yes, gentle readers, it’s that time of year again. Time to take stock of what has been an utterly sordid and shameful year in the red-light districts of Bangkok, and for the bloggers who have attempted to type a word or two about their equally unsavoury experiences. 2013 also marked the dramatic disappearance of some from the game, as well the dogged persistence of the few who remain, banging the tired gong of their own misguided takes on why Cambodia and the Philippines are starting to look better and better.

The Departed

BigBabyKenny.com is defunct.

BigBabyKenny.com is defunct.

The biggest departure of 2013 was the abandonment of the now defunct BigBabyKenny.com. Not with a bang, but a whimper. The bloated sex professor most likely abandoned his blog in part because of a new and punitive teaching schedule which has kept him from a dubious hobby that once saw him board a Boeing 757 bound for sex paradise every summer, just as soon as the last of his retarded undergraduate students left his office after complaining about their depressed grades and threatening to have their mothers call him directly. Mercifully, he has even stopped authoring the ridiculous comments in which Professor Ng shares everything from references to pedophilia, racial remarks on the US presidency, and homophobic slurs aimed at Thailand’s transgendered community.

The second departure this past year has been the disappearance of Bangkok Buddy, a gentle soul who only sought out “happy memories” among the cheapest brothels, free buffets, and dive bars of Bangkok. In return, his cadre of Chinese friends, who bizarrely call themselves “The Bay Area Boyz”, turned on him and drove him off the Internet. The story behind his disappearance is complicated, and we have written about the sordid details previously. The lesson in the Bangkok Buddy (and his “Bay Area Boyfriends”) story is that you should carefully evaluate your “friends” in Thailand. Are they mentally ill? Is this mental instability the result of too many drugs, or a strange Syphillitic condition brought on by overexposure to tropical venereal diseases? You must choose wisely.

The "Bay Area Boyz" of Bangkok celebrating Christmas.

The “Bay Area Boyz” of Bangkok celebrating Christmas. Photo courtesy of Chris Madeira.

Still Plugging Along: The Museum Sites

The Stickman of Bangkok continues his efforts at creating the seamless infomercial for all things commercial sex in Southeast Asia, including his oft-featured ladyboy escort sites which he plugs repeatedly. Knowing how much of a prude the Stick is, we wonder if 2014 will be the year he allows one to plug him as well. Now that would be worth a read.

While 2013 saw very little variation in his advertisement blog, he nonetheless did add a widely criticized “Girl of the Week” section, in which he features the homeliest of Thailand’s bar girls who offer a stark reminder that it is better to depart well before the cock crows if one is to preserve the hazy alcoholic image of your bar-fined assignation from the night before.

One of the main weaknesses of this feature is that it throws unflattering light on the girls in question and by extension on the entire bar culture in Bangkok. Without beer goggles, the plain Janes, or plain “Leks” of the chrome pole seem wan and distant and somewhat malnourished. They appear almost as lifeless and uninteresting as a horrid Chris Coles painting. We at Saphan Loy have decided that the Stickman is no longer as relevant as he was, say, in 2002. Therefore, he joins the ranks of Saphan Loy’s “Museum Sites.” These are sites that have not changed their general appearance (think primary colours, slapdash HTML, and banner ads), content, or their format since their ill-advised conceptions. They shrink from technical innovation and change, and are stuck in time, like a Polaroid picture of a bar-girl staining the sheets of some short-time hotel in Pattaya.

Bangkok Eyes: Midnight Hour

Our friend Will Morledge over at Bangkok Eyes is still at it. Although Saphan Loy has teased him in the past, we have to admit that his site has become more interesting as he has started to publish more historical information and archival photographs. Have a look at his December column for some visually satisfying images from the former Mississippi Queen bar in Patpong. In the ever-changing field of Bangkok red-light blogs and websites, Morledge’s persistent longevity is really quite admirable and worth a look every month.

Joy from the Missippi Queen Bar, circa 1970s. See Bangkokeyes.com.

Joy from the Mississippi Queen Bar, circa 1970s. See Bangkokeyes.com.

Red-Light Bloggers Still Pounding Away

Mobi d’Ark. Our friend Mobi is also, bless his soul, still having a seat in front of his keyboard and sharing his thoughts and impressions of the world of a Pattaya expat. He is also making available his literary efforts online, and should you be interested in Thailand-based fiction, have a look at his offerings. Mobi, who has endured various hardships this past year, remains a stalwart of the Thai blogging scene. We hope he keeps at it.

Finally, for those of you who miss the Big Mango Bar blog, rest assured that you can still get your fix over at Mango Unchained, a continuation of sorts of the old blog, only a bit more subdued and with a great improvement in the quality of the writing. Graham, who moderates the blog, does an excellent job selecting stories and keeping things moving along.

The premise behind the blog is that these are stories that feature things to do away from the neon glare of the bars themselves, and focus more on expat life in the company of your special Thai lady friends. These are often interesting vignettes into the strange habits and ways of the Thai lady, and how they behave outside of captivity. However, you will still find a story or two about an amusing pub crawl. Well worth a look in 2014.

The Year Ahead

Speaking of special Thai lady friends, look for more of Saphan Loy’s words of wisdom on the treatment of our executive assistant, Lek. As ever, we will task her with various degrading assignments throughout Bangkok, ferreting out information for use in this column. She is quite the สายลับ and she knows the backstreets of our mean city like the back of her graceful, elongated hands.

So, as long as you are sober or sane enough to type a URL into your browser, or remember to make Saphan Loy your main source of information on all things Thai red-light blogs, we will endeavour to type up this column for your edification. Lek and I wish you and yours a very Happy Christmas and New Year, and may all of your red-light district experiences be sordid and disgraceful! Who knows? Perhaps we will meet somewhere on Patpong and I will happily autograph your Thai bargirl’s small, boy-like breasts (with No. 2 pencil eraser nipples) with my felt-tip pen. For a nominal fee, of course.

With that, we leave you with Saphan Loy’s Girl of the New Year! Enjoy!

Saphan Loy’s Girl of the New Year:

The Lovely Kim XXX or Manga

Kim XXX, or Manga, Thai German Porn Star
Kim XXX, or Manga, Thai-German Porn Star

Name: Kim XXX, or Manga

Official Website 

Age: 26

Nationality: German

Languages: German and Thai

Special Skills: Engaging in depraved group sex scenes with German men,

consuming the semen of multiple donors, Thai cooking, reading “ka-toon”

Kim XXX, or Manga, is an amazing actress, and a real Thai sweetheart. She is a Thai sex machine who speaks German. What more could one ask for? Her performance range is unlike anything you will likely see in your alcoholically foreshortened lifetimes. She is petite, hard-bodied, and pumped up with enough silicone to firestop a skyscraper. Her twisted German overlords feature her on a site called German Goo Girls (I’ll leave it to you to do your own research), where they make her the degraded object of their Teutonic perversions. Happy New Year, Manga!

The View from Above

Chris Coles and Bangkok Noir Redux. And Redux. And Redux….And Redux…

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2013 by สะพานลอย

Paint by Numbers

Those indefatigable academic men at work from Down Under over at New Mandala have given Chris Coles pride of place in a February 15th posting in which the paint-maker describes, yet again in the event that you’ve missed his bizarre explanations in the past (or if you failed to purchase the book called Navigating the Bangkok Noir), why his art is exactly like German expressionism, why it is important, why writers like Stephen Leather (Banging Bill’s Wife) and Christopher G. Moore (Pattaya 24/7 and The Wisdom of Beer) are part of this “noir” movement, etc, etc. 

It is somewhat surprising that the learned professors who run New Mandala have allowed Coles to drone on and on about this topic, although perhaps less surprising that Saphan Loy’s response to the post was moderated out of existence. It went something like this:

Chris Coles’ guest post has all the hallmarks of a self-serving, self-congratulatory navel-gazing think-piece clearly intended to revive a moribund interest in his book of the same name, and to generate some sympathy for this idea that his work and the work of others somehow constitutes an expressionist movement unique to Bangkok’s grim underbelly. There are so many things wrong with this from an intellectual perspective that it is difficult to know where to begin. First, there is something inherently artificial in attempting to broadly create an “artistic” movement of expatriate “artists” (mostly down-on-their luck expatriates who also happen to spend inordinate amounts of time in Bangkok’s brothel districts while scribbling implausible stories on bar napkins), where there simply is none. Coles lumps his own painting efforts, the macabre neon results of which are perhaps best-suited for the interior of a carnival funhouse, with the scribbling of typists like Christopher Moore, Stephen Leather, and Jon Burdett, whose collective fictive output is largely unreadable and place an undo strain on wood-pulp processing factories as well as the digital backbone of the Internet. In fact, Stephen Leather has recently taken to giving away digital copies of “erotic” short stories on Amazon with titles like “Banging Bill’s Wife.”  The most commercially popular of this sorry lot is Jon Burdett, but even his Bangkok-based stories do little justice to the nuanced reality and cultural complexity of living in a place like Thailand, and they have little to no bearing on Coles’ imagined “noir” movement. What is equally distressing about this whole misguided effort is that the concept of noir, as an extension of the German expressionism that Coles so admires, is essentially being grafted onto one very narrow aspect of Thai urban culture, namely the red-light districts that cater to white foreign men. There is very little of the native Thai voice to be found in his concept of Bangkok noir (or Southeast Asian noir) or whatever; and when Thais do appear, they are merely prostitutes, drug dealers, or murderers or corrupt public servants. One can hope and think and try to will into existence some grand artistic movement until the water buffalo comes home. But if other scholars, writers, art critics, and historians of Southeast Asia are directing their gaze elsewhere, or fail to see any artistic merit whatever in the examples Coles provides, then the overly ambitious Bangkok noir movement is destined to be consigned to the collective digital shrug of the Internet’s ever-shortening memory.   

coles3

Now, Lek and I occasionally read some of the postings over on the New Mandala site, which we had mistakenly believed was a place of lively academic debate and rigorous intellectual exploration. (Lek finds anything with too many words “boring”.) Instead what one has come to expect from New Mandala is a small coterie of like-minded individuals, exhibiting all of the mutually masturbatory inclinations of a left-leaning graduate school seminar, who seem to save the lion’s share of their consternation for the institution of the Thai monarchy and the threadbare cliche of corrupt Southeast Asian politics (the amount of ink that has been spilled tilting after this windmill in the Western academy shows no signs of drying, so long as another PhD can be squeezed profitably from the tired hackwork of political scientists flummoxed by Southeast Asia’s historically-grounded patron-client networks.)

Poseidon Massage Parlor

Here is Coles’s take on corruption in Bangkok (or Southeast Asia by extension):

A world where endemic corruption is not only considered to be “normal” and “permanent” but even “essential”.

In most of these artistic works, there always seems to be double helpings of Impunity, disenfranchisement, South East Asia Big Men, a complete lack of any meaningful Rule of Law, almost no actual rights inherently belonging to the individual.

Coles makes clear in the beginning of his post that he is not an intellectual, but an “artist”. He admits this probably to deflect attention from the weakness of his arguments and the implausibility of his observations (generally limited to the area in proximity to Bangkok’s red-light districts). Even so, in a forum like New Mandala, the claims he makes here about the absence of Rule of Law in Southeast Asia, and the lack of “actual rights belonging to the individual” should at least invite some scrutiny or critical circumspection, at the very minimum. Instead, the editors at New Mandala decided that Coles was immune from pointed criticism, and so his post has all of the characteristics of a bully-pulpit, a kind of meandering journey through a painter’s untutored mind.

Homosexual Bars in Bangkok

We will leave this tired story (which shows no signs of going gently into that noirish night) with some parting words from Coles, which have the nasty chemical buzz of paranoia the kind usually associated with psychedelic drug abuse:

Individuals are frequently and arbitrarily subject to state and Big Man violence, selective and biased law enforcement, sometimes even assassination and disappearances. 

The View from Above

Big Baby Kenny (Gangnam) Style and Some Thoughts on Stuckman

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2012 by สะพานลอย

Before we begin this latest installment, a word of sincere thanks to William R. Morledge, Jr., whose recent mention of Saphan Loy over at Bangkok Eyesore has really generated an impressive spike in traffic figures here at The View from Above. Also, while Lek and I are no experts on Lenny Bruce, the comparison Morledge makes is a flattering one. Lenny Bruce is a name I vaguely recall my grandfather mentioning in between sips of red wine. At 9 o’clock in the morning. While driving me to elementary school.

That William Morledge “gets it” is a testament to someone in the red light blogosphere who at a minimum has a sense of humour about the whole thing, or who at least doesn’t take writing about red light districts in third world countries to absurd heights of self-importance, like the self-styled authors of the red light pulp books do, or other “webmasters” who consider their work “important” beyond the very narrow confines of converted Chinese shop-houses-cum-brothels in our favourite decadent Southeast Asian city that we call home, or even the absurd paint-making of Chris Coles who turns the red light districts of Thailand into a seedy laboratory for his masturbatory experiments in appallingly offensive applied finger-painting.

That said, and moving on. If anyone has ventured a visit to the now moribund Big Baby Kenny Ng site, one will witness there the final gasps (yes, we have been saying it has been on its last legs for some time now) of a perverted and reclusive non-productive member of the academic community at the California State University at Northridge. Lek was reminded of Big Baby Kenny Ng recently when she stumbled upon this crazy Korean “Gangnam” tune that has attracted more than 438 million pairs of eyeballs on Youtube.

When we had the misfortune of looking at the unspeakably offensive video, we were amazed by the bizarre resemblance to Big Baby Kenneth Ng. Could it be?

Why Stickman No Longer Matters

When Stickman began his project to digitally chronicle the red light districts of Bangkok in the late 1990s, his site was an instant hit. He recognized a market need and filled it. This is the hallmark of a good entrepreneur. It provided a central place where once could obtain information about everyone’s favourite red light districts in Asia, and it molly-coddled elderly pensioners wishing to blow a wad on beer and hookers. He more or less picked up where the ailing and ageing Bernard Trink left off at the Bangkok Post, the old “mosey on down for a shandy” that appeared every Friday and of which Saphan Loy was a loyal reader.

The Stick’s site was, and is, garish and colourful. He tinted his writing with a gosh-golly-gee tone that served him well initially, but which now seems quaint, prudish, and paradoxical. He was able to attract the eyeballs of older sexpats everywhere, while not putting them off with confusing jargon or pointless technicalities. His site was (and is) a kind of “Thai Prostitution for Dummies”. He was “inclusive” to a a very limited extent by allowing his“readers” to submit pointless stories, the better of which he awarded special “green stars” (much like a school-marm would dole out) which in turn became a distinction that a cast of certain characters relished. In a real sense, Stickman’s reader submissions were a precursor to the ways that the internet would change over the years with more or less instant commentary, threads, and robust discussion forums. And this is precisely the direction that the red light sites ventured. Except Stick’s.

We have written in the past that Stick is stuck in the late 1990s, and these days, while digital information is moving at speeds well above what the Stickman may be most comfortable with, it is clear that the Stick’s stuck site may not be as useful as it once was, or as lucrative.

For starters, it is not optimized for mobile platforms (just like others hosted by geriatric webmasters which his site is coming to resemble). Secondly, who bothers to read the “Green Star” submissions, when similar stories are on offer in blogs like the Big Mango Bar Blog, where the commentary is often more elucidating than the submission itself? And finally, with the proliferation of sites like Tagged.com or Thai Lust Links, or whatever, the Internet has made possible all sorts of assignations that render a bar essentially a quaint holdover to an earlier time, when the Internet or even the telephone was less optimal in enabling the delivery of willing and able-bodied young women (or, in Stickman’s case, young ladyboys) to a man’s doorstep.

By extension, it may be argued that the whole red light mirage in Thailand may soon find itself evaporating in the humid night air along with the decline of the structures that support it, namely the old Western men who will (and have) been expiring in the Land of Vertical Smiles while pursuing the brown nymphs of the rice fields. When will the property values of the red light districts in Bangkok surpass any conceivable business reasons to maintain brothel bars for the long-term?  In our estimate, the time has already come.

The View from Above

Bangkok Eyesore Revisited

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 19, 2012 by สะพานลอย

Recently, Saphan Loy paid a visit to William R. Morledge to see how his little corner of Bangkok has been and to determine via textual analysis whether he has kicked his Ketamine habit. What we discovered there, in that luridly designed throwback to the dawn of World Wide Web page construction, was that it is clear that the Ketamine has taken its toll, and much like Dean Barrett (another geriatric “webmaster”), whose rants about Muslims are bizarre reminders of his mental deterioration, has resorted to a long paranoid essay on the arrival of “Big Brother”, the collection of online data in vast server farms, and the ability of the television set to transmit signals directly to his brain.

The content of the latest Morledge essay is in striking contrast to the normally banal photographs of neon signs that had been his hallmark for many years. It indicates to Saphan Loy that, in effect, his mental illness has had a sudden onset, and it is only a matter of time before he is transferred to the funny farm where he may spend the remainder of his days heavily medicated, drooling, staring at his shoes, and cutting his salisbury steak with a plastic, unserrated knife.

Evidence of a diseased mind at Bangkok Eyesore.

Just who is this Morledge character?  William R. Morledge is an example of what naturally happens after prolonged exposure to the red light districts of Thailand. It may even be the result of tertiary syphilis, which attacks the brain of the infected individual in its final, untreated stages. One wonders, really, if Morledge, Dean Barrett, Big Baby Kenny Ng, Stephen Blather, and Chris Coles have formed a support group for those coping with the disease, as their collective output seems to show clear signs of the affliction.

Nonetheless, there is something intrinsically disturbing when one stumbles upon the website of a deranged “webmaster”, to use Stickman’s oft-repeated phrase. Since websites and blogs about Thai red light districts are often the haunt of the lonely, the unstable, and the sociopathic, when their creators evidence the kind of madness found at Bangkok Eyesore, it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. After all, one can sustain a lifestyle predicated on congress with people in an illegal transnational sex trade for only so long. But in our years of reportage on the red light bloggers, “webmasters”, scribblers, dabblers, peddlers, doodlers, barkers, punters, pushers, bunglers, and farters, William R. Morledge is illustrating the rule rather than the exception.

Big Baby Kenny Ng’s Site Just Got Dirtier.

Speaking of infected scribblers, Saphan Loy would be remiss in not mentioning that Professor Ng’s site has been zapped by an ugly bug, the kind that does not respond at all to antibiotics. As BDK has published, the site is appearing in all major search engines as something that could harm your computer, whereas before, a visit to BigBabyKenny merely insulted one’s intelligence.

For the record, Saphan Loy does not condone cyber attacks of this kind. But were we to make a prediction, it would be that, because these kinds of problems are often intractable, and given Ng’s dogged persistence in making an ape’s ass out of himself, we would look for an all new Kenny Ng URL in the future and a squeaky clean slate, since that is usually what happens when one has been surfing the Internet looking for Hot Anal Asian Action, and discovers that the tasty thumbnail depicting a Tokyo stewardess ravaged by black men instead delivers a nasty venereal surprise directly to your hard-drive.

The View from Above

The Year in Review: A New Year Ahead. Observations, Predictions.

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2011 by สะพานลอย

What a sordid year it was. As we get ready to ring in the new year, Thai style with a bottle of lukewarm Singha, let’s recall some major low-lights from the year past, and look ahead to what the new year holds in store. The past year witnessed some atrocities, as usual, in the Thai redlight blogosphere. Very few gems were to be found in the roughage that comprises the palsied prose and tortured syntax of the blog-heads. In addition, we have seen that some scribblers have decided to bow out of the online scene altogether. A few comments follow. Parental discretion is advised.

Stickman Bangkok

Let’s start with the biggest and the brightest of the online luminaries, Stickman Bangkok. After teasing his audience throughout the year with hand-wringing and indecision regarding his future, he has decided, not surprisingly, to stay put in the red-light districts of Thailand, which have come to define him. His photography has devolved, and his favourite subjects still seem to be poor children and bargirls. While he unashamedly takes cold (hard) ladyboy cash, and the filthy lucre of brothels as advertising revenue, he still insists that he doesn’t partake, and that he is stupefied by changes in the country. Saphan Loy believes this is the most interesting part of his website, though he doesn’t intend it as such. He is constantly flummoxed by Thailand’s changing demographics and the demographics of the sex tourist population in general. What does the new year hold in store for the poster boy of sex tourism himself? Likely, he will find himself stuck in Thailand, a “lifer”, ping-ponging from bar to bar like some character in a Greek tragedy. Always tantalized by the offerings, but never partaking, we predict he will end up much like Dean Barrett.

One day in the new year, he will break down, step into Bar Bar or Demonia, and be offered a sound lashing from a Thai rice farmer’s daughter who will then insert an uncomfortably large sex toy into his rectum while he barks like a soi dog. Stickman will consent enthusiastically, and find it so pleasurable that he will dedicate himself to BDSM for the remainder of his natural life, never sitting comfortably again. From there, he will slip down the slippery slope and avail himself of the services of a small group of ladyboy escorts, who will treat him like a schoolgirl in the comfort of his Bangkok highrise.

Big Baby Kenny Ng

This year marked the departure from the serious blogosphere of Professor Big Baby Kenny Ng out in California. He has clearly given up the ghost, allowing the only active thread to be overwritten by the criminally insane. His brand of lunacy will be turned off in the new year, and he will likely be joining the swelling ranks of American unemployed academics, scratching out a living by tutoring semi-retarded children. But not to fear. There are plenty of openings at TEFL International, and perhaps the clown-in-chief there can teach him a thing or two about the Thais.

As of this writing, however, it appears the Ng has just published another word-fart about a cheap buffet in Bangkok. He is clearly celebrating his holiday in Bangkok, courtesy of the moronic California taxpayer, who is so immobilized by political correctness that he (or she) cannot stand up in the face of basic humanitarian atrocities.

The Chinese love all you can eat buffets. They pile their plates full of crappy fried food and rejoice in the low cost of eating it, then pass it through their intestines, then clog up the plumbing, much to the horror of the chambermaids at the cheap flophouse he calls home in the city of angels. Saphan Loy predicts that Ng’s cheap Bangkok buffets will soon turn into long lines at his local soup kitchen.

Big Baby Kenny will soon join the long lines at the soup kitchen.

Mobithailand

Our friend Mobi has been busy and, mercifully, staying sober. He has interestingly decided to post photos of his paramour, Noo, who is quite lovely indeed. We wish Mobi the best in the new year. He has been one of the few stalwarts among the blog-heads, always posting honestly and without artifice. Mobi consistently proves that a dotage spent in Thailand can be tempting, relaxing, and enjoyable all at the same time. We hope he avoids temptation of the spiritual kind, and continues to post about the darkside and all the darkies that can be found there.

The Redlight Scribblers (and Painter)

Stephen Blather et al., including the abominable Chris Coles, will likely continue to type unreadable prose, and render unspeakably offensive arts and crafts that assault the senses (unless those senses happen to be dulled by the local lager and barbiturates.) Look for hefty additions to the pulp-making machine, or network-clogging “e-books” that appeal to the inpatients at your local veteran’s home. Also in the coming new year, perhaps Coles will finally sell a neon bargirl to the half-blind, or the blind-drunk, who would like a painting to install above the commode. Or, better yet, perhaps the new year will inspire Coles to retire from his paint-making efforts, hang up his smock, and, instead, take up semi-permanent residence on a barstool on Patpong, administered to by a snaggle-toothed ladyboy.

Jimmy Smithers

So, what of that lady(boy’s) man, Jimmy Smithers? He has exciting plans for the new year. He is currently in negotiations with a major motion picture studio for the rights to his personal stories. He also has a new line of merchandise planned, including coffee mugs, tee-shirts and insulated beer holders. He is hard at work on his e-book, and is scanning his local classified sections for shemales, transvestites and ladyboys. Because he was recently fired, it is unlikely that a Bangkok trip is in the cards for the new year. Look for further depravity to escape from his keyboard, prolonged struggles with alcohol and sinus medication, and lurid accounts of his masturbation habits. He may even develop adult-onset diabetes, or have what he calls a “crap-attack” at an inopportune moment (like a job interview.) We predict great things for Jimmy Smithers. He’s one to keep your eye on. You know, by covering your other eye with your hand when the room is spinning, or you can’t navigate the Bangkok sidewalks after consuming too much Mekong Whiskey.

At any rate, Saphan Loy wishes you the best of the holidays, and a happy new year. As long as sex tourists are willing to jot down their half-formed ideas, their tawdry hopes and dreams, and their sinful encounters with third world prostitutes, we will be there. And despite all our plights and gripes, we still give them credit for trying. After all, an internet absent of their presence would be a boring place indeed.

The View from Above

Sordid Ark Spotted Floating Down the Chao Phraya River

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , on October 29, 2011 by สะพานลอย

With a ladyboy dominatrix whipping the bare shoulders of the oarsman, Dean Barrett, and with Chris Coles barking orders, a strange and sordid and crudely cobbled together boat was seen bobbing on the Chao Phraya River earlier this evening. Manned by a motley collection of bar girls and ladyboys, the wooden craft did its best to deal with rising waters and several sprung leaks. And not the kind that happens when Barrett wets himself.

In the hold of the little boat, an ailing Bernard Trink was being administered intravenous antiemetics by a topless Khmer girl who also fed him what was left of the provisions, which consisted mainly of 100 Pipers whiskey, durians, some jackfruit, and warm satay. The scene of degradation was, according to bystanders, awful to behold. Barrett, in his loin cloth, looked old and emaciated as he desperately tried to row the craft while the dominatrix lashed him and berated him for his lack of physical strength. Stephen Blather was nowhere to be found, likely hiding in the stern, quaffing warm bottles of Chang and washing down whatever pills he takes to erase his imagination completely.

At this rate the craft is scheduled to enter the Gulf of Siam sometime tomorrow morning, or around the time a new Stickman column comes out. Whichever comes first.

Rendering of the Ship of Fools

The View from Above

When it rains….

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , on October 23, 2011 by สะพานลอย

Dean Barrett and Chris Coles have been spotted building a large ark-like structure on Soi Cowboy. Apparently, they had a heated argument about whether to allow ladyboys onto the boat: Chris Coles in favour, Barrett against. They almost came to blows, but Barrett backed down after admitting that Viagra has damaged his cardiac muscle and his latest charity boxing match left him with a hernia. Meanwhile, Stickman has taken up residence in an Asoke highrise with a team of drunken rugby players who have vowed to wait out the floods by watching homosexual pornography on a laptop and throwing their empties into the water far below.

The scene from Dean Barrett's hovel.

Big Baby Kenny, meanwhile, is up to his neck, and he’s nowhere near Bangkok. He has been writing about the things he likes to watch on television, particularly shows that old women usually enjoy while crocheting. His problems are amplifying in California, as has been reported on Big Dummy Kenny and elsewhere (you know who you are). We will reserve comment until we have a chance to discuss the matter with the Chancellor in greater detail.

Stay high and dry.

 

The View from Above

 

 

The Internet: A Penny Arcade of Perversity

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2011 by สะพานลอย

The red light blogosphere has fallen into a state of disrepair much like the about-to-be demolished Washington Square: that anachronistic and motley assembly of cheap bars that once was home to the Vietnam War veteran hold-outs who never got the hint and went home to Dubuque or Paducah, and bar stool type-writers like Dean Barrett, who clung to cheap memories, bad food, stale beer, war trauma, and an occasional out-to-pasture Thai prostitute, and watched from the dim confines of a bar while the late tropical afternoons slipped by one after the other in some kind of sordid calendar of depravity. In reality, Washington Square has been nothing more than a toxic dumpster for the past twenty years, if not longer. At the very least.

The reality of the Internet has been equally depressing this past week for Saphan Loy, who has found no inspiration in the usual places. This happens from time to time, as we begin to understand that the red-light blogosphere is filled with perversity, lunacy and moronic content cobbled together by freaks palsied by drugs and drink. Any Tom, Dick or Harry can set up an email account and create a rudimentary blog whereby they can express semi-literate and poorly formed ideas, typed up in half-assed unpunctuated prose, then transmit them around the world with all of the authority of the village idiot, whose formal education is comprised merely of the number of hours they have spent on their favourite bar stool, their factoids gleaned not from books and university studies, but from other alcoholics, perverts, sex tourists and misfits. And so it is with the red light blogosphere of Thailand, where increasingly the subject matter has devolved into a nothingness, including micro-penises and the like, that is becoming increasingly intolerable: a source of grave mental retardation and little in the way of entertainment. Excepting, of course, the highly depressing car-crash that is Jimmy Smithers, the landscape of the Thai blogosphere is as blighted as ever and does not promise to improve any time soon.

An early version of the Internet.

Some examples follow. Stickman Bangkok, the website that produces pointless gossip about the red light districts of Thailand, is now essentially unreadable. Each week when his column is produced, we can no longer read it in its entirety, because they are nearly all identical. Instead, we quickly scan the block of text and antiquated banner advertisements for anything that approaches something of interest. Occasionally, we’ll click one of the links to the better-written  professional mainstream articles that he links to. It is sadly time for him to pack up the laptop and go gently into that good night, and see what kind of life he might be able to salvage in New Zealand before he gets too old to find a more productive and potentially honourable career. Although of course we remain interested in whatever blather the TEFL International clown has to say if only because it is so totally offensive.

Sukhumvit Psycho. Jimmy Smithers tells me that on more than one occasion, he has contacted the “guest friendly” hotels that Sukhumvit Psycho has endorsed, enquiring about both the feasibility of bringing two ladyboys into his room, but also to find out about their pet policies, for some odd reasons that must be entirely his own. He even posted on the Suk blog, which is not really a blog as there are few actual comments allowed. It seems to be one of those vacuous pseudo-sites that populate the Internet (like, say Bangkok Eyes) and that piss you off every time you click on the damn thing, the only goal of which is to sell an e-guide to getting a “soapy” hand-job in Thailand, or gratifying the ego of its creator. If you need a manual to help find a place to get a hand-job in Thailand, you probably require all sorts of other assistance as well, like, perhaps, a guidebook on how to wipe one’s ass (front to back, or back to front?), how to tie your shoes, and how to remove mucous from your nostrils. Saphan Loy’s advice to Sukhumvit Psycho readers: contact the hotels he is endorsing and ask them directly about their guest policies. And hell, when in doubt or when confronted by an embarrassed hotel employee in a cheap dress-shirt, fork over whatever money the concierge demands. Jesus Christ. How much simpler can the whole process be? If you are so cheap and/or poor that you need a detailed guidebook to massage prices in Thailand, or need to find ways to avoid paying a hotel to make allowances for your special “guest”, then maybe you should find a new hobby, one that doesn’t require any money whatsoever: like collecting seashells on the beach. For Jimmy Smithers, and his Mongoloid partner-in-crime Poppa Percocet, it is more complicated than paying off concerned parties, since they often bring multiple sex partners into their rooms, but we will let them describe those tales in greater detail.

Another casualty to mention. The once prolific Werewolf, whose new blog called appropriately enough, mundane Bangkok (no link will be provided), has begun to cover Thai politics in earnest, as though he fancies himself some kind of political pundit. But in reality he is simply cutting and pasting content from New Mandala, which is the foremost authority on all things political in Thailand, but with its own painfully clear populist political agenda. There is only one natural conclusion to this kind of writing on the Internet: imminent deportation. Saphan Loy, for this reason, has removed all links to the Werewolf site. If the political views of a sex tourist interest you, especially ones that seek to interfere in another nation’s internal politics thereby unsettling domestic Thai security and violating Thailand’s Computer Crimes Act, then he’s your man. We wish him continued success in his patently offensive endeavors, and hope that his rapid deportation will be the very least form of punishment he incurs for meddling in Thai internal politics.

What else? Oh right. For the past several weeks, Saphan Loy has been experimenting with Twitter, and here are some observations. First, it provides a sanctuary for those who suffer from an impoverishment of actual thoughts, inner resources, or interesting observations, and attempt to compensate for this deficit by typing short sentences about the weather, what they are consuming, or some reference to popcorn culture in general. It certainly is fine for promoting a website, or pitching whatever products one has for sale. But for anything else, it is a general chaos of nonsense, blasphemy, and gibberish. If you are interested in the colourful characters of Thailand, both political and otherwise, then by all means “follow” whomever strikes your fancy, but don’t expect much in 140 characters or less. One of the most remarkable effects of the Internet it is that it reveals the abject poverty of public school systems in the instruction of grammar, syntax and vocabulary. The Internet has, unfortunately, forced everyone to attempt to type in complete sentences. This obstacle shows the impoverished resources that nations dedicate to instructing their students on how to communicate effectively. Just have a look at Twitter, and you will see all sorts of evidence of this poverty.

There, in the NitTwit-ter Zone, you will find endless streams of nonsense by people like Chris Coles (@KrisKoles), whose nearly constant harrassment of the US Ambassador in Thailand, The Honorable Kristie A. Kenney (@KristieKenney) likely constitutes some kind of digital stalking, the content of which is useful possibly to Coles’s psychotherapists, but embarrassing to read for anyone else. The fact that she never responds to him is encouraging enough, because his poorly formed, half-articulated political ideations are born of the occlusion of the brain produced by alcohol abuse, a compromised blood-flow to the brain, and tertiary syphilis. Plus, if he truly believes that Ambassador Kenney writes her own “Tweets”, his grasp of reality has all but disappeared. But if you’ve seen Coles’s artwork, you’ll understand that the man is slightly unhinged anyway.

In short, there always seems to be something lacking in the false promises of the Internet, that it is somehow going to “change the world” or that is in some ways responsible for social revolutions and the like. In reality, the Internet is a penny arcade of perversity, an advanced citizen’s band radio of obscenity, and a crude telegraph with pictures, all of which are used to link one lonely masturbating male to another. Only now, these linkages cross continents. But in the end, it is still the same: a lonely male masturbating to tawdry pictures and repellant fantasies. Sure, the Internet is also useful if you would like to look at scabrous photographs of women being horsewhipped, human beings urinating on each other, or to read about US college professors improving their micro-penis conditions overseas. But if you are interested in something, well, a little more meaningful: open a book.

The View from Above

Politics, Religion, and Bargirls in Thailand: Nightlife Blogs Lose the Plot (with Update)

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2011 by สะพานลอย

Theravada Buddhists across Southeast Asia have good reason to recoil in horror at the ghastly image that Chris Coles has dreamt up out of a diseased and malevolent imagination, then posted to his blog. Not content to preoccupy himself with dreadful fluorescent images of bargirls and ladyboys in degraded settings, he has decided to paint an image of the Buddha (in heavy-lidded Khmer style no less) rolling his eyes in reaction to Walking Street in Pattaya. That Buddhists everywhere will no doubt find this repugnant to them may abbreviate the media attention Coles’s art has received in conjunction with the release of the short story collection called “Bangkok Noir” and his sparsely attended exhibitions. We have written about this literary and artistic equivalent to masturbation elsewhere.

There are so many reasons why this image is offensive to Thai Buddhists that it would be difficult to know where to begin, really. What it reveals, however, is the depths to which one man (Coles) has descended and from which debased vantage point important character strengths like intuition, good judgement, and cultural sensitivity have all but disappeared. When you spend time in brothels and red light districts in Thailand, it diminishes your capacity for insight and reason, as well as the larger requisite sense of compassion and reverence for a global religion. It may appear humorous on some very sophomoric level to think about the Buddha’s possible (worldly) reaction to the carnival that is Walking Street in Pattaya, but the theological reality is far more complicated than can be rendered in the crude paints and plaster board that Coles employs. Whether the image is intended to shock and dismay, we suppose, is another question completely. It is not very nice, for example, that he has scrawled his name directly onto the face of the Buddha, but anyone with a cursory understanding of Thai Buddhism would realize quite quickly that, like climbing on a Buddha statue, writing one’s name on a Buddha image is a serious no-no. Over time, however, the decision to exhibit this distasteful Buddha image is certainly reflective of the corrosive powers of alcohol, cheap sex, and pharmaceuticals over the faculty of sound judgement which one usually accredits to good artists in general.

"Buddha Visits Walking Street Pattaya 2554" by Chris Coles

That said, and moving on to another dismaying development in the Thai nightlife blogosphere, it appears that Werewolf has shifted his attention toward Thai politics, one of the most dangerous topics for a writer of Thai-related nonsense and especially dangerous on a URL once called “Bargirlsrpeople2”. The vast reading public with even a remote interest in Thailand knows that Thai politics is anything but mundane or boring. Werewolf stumbles head first into the topic, too, with a rather adolescent view that he would vote for Yingluck Shinawatra simply because she is a somewhat attractive Chinese Thai woman. His questionable taste in appearances aside, the path he has chosen is fraught with danger, especially for foreigners living in the kingdom.

Stickman, for example, has always to his credit avoided Thai politics like the plague, and this is a sure testament to his longevity as a Bangkok nightlife writer. In fact, as time goes on and as Stickman considers other options in his life at this juncture, Saphan Loy has to give him an enormous amount of credit for what he has done in writing over the years, as we have been reading his work for the better part of 10 years, and we still tune in every Sunday, almost religiously. He has also successfully weathered all sorts of personal hells and obstacles, and despite Saphan Loy’s occasional teasing as well, he has mostly shrugged off genial criticism as well as the more virulent online attacks from the mentally ill.  We believe that one of the cornerstones of his longterm viability has been his avoidance of certain taboo subjects, like religion and politics most notably. Does this mean that a writer has to ignore these subjects?  Not by any means. However, for the most part, readers of the red light blogs could not care less about these subjects. There is a thin sliver of that market that does care, however, and there are those more qualified writers both Thai and farang who question certain realities in Thailand: we know, because they are generally our own readers as well.

But for someone like Werewolf, a writer once known for his vivid descriptions of spicy “spinners” from the brothel districts of Krung Thep, he is creating a veritable mine-field of problems within his newly refigured and quite dismal blog. We will leave him, of course, to his own devices, but with a strong caution against writing about either Thai domestic politics or Thai royalty as he has done in his most recent post, especially in light of his vividly repellant description of a child shitting on a sidewalk in an earlier post. Context is everything in Thailand and our suggestion would be to find a way to rearrange this kind of writing so as to make an interpretation (like ours) less likely within his English-language readership. For when you write about an impoverished Thai toddler shitting on a dirty sidewalk, you are not only calling attention to something that Thai people would rather (and tend to) ignore. You are also rearranging it, “capturing the image”, and circulating it aroud the world. If in one paragraph, you describe a child shitting on the sidewalk, the next post should be about something else: certainly not Thai politics, and most certainly not Thai royalty. Better yet, we would suggest scrapping the whole mundane project in toto, and returning to your roots. Stick with what you know. In effect, we, that is, the reading public, can use a few more spinners in our lives.

UPDATE: Chris Coles has thankfully removed the offensive image and the egregious accompanying text from the Internet. It is nonetheless still available in cached form here. He has rewritten the blog posting and mercifully removed all references to the Lord Buddha, including the following line:

The visiting Buddha watches and wonders what happened, how his teachings came to this…….

The View from Above

Bangkok Noir: Beer, Bargirls, and a Paintbrush

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , on April 6, 2011 by สะพานลอย

The blogs and commercial websites have been falling all over themselves in an effort to promote the so-called “Bangkok Noir” painter Chris Coles. Saphan Loy knows a thing or two about a thing or two when it comes to art, so it is fairly risible to see someone like Dean Barrett, William R. Morledge, or Christopher Moore promoting so heavily the Coles exhibition in Bangkok this month.

One of the symptoms of sustained exposure to the red light districts of Thailand that sex tourists routinely exhibit aside from venereal diseases is a strange desire to attempt to capture, however imperfectly, in photography, words, or, as we see here, in fluorescent paints that glow in the dark, the essence of the experience. That it is ephemeral and highly mutable with the added effects of alcohol and drugs (whether cheap sex enhancements or the like) makes the whole process somewhat dubious and deeply derivative.

It might be easy to dismiss out-of-hand the work of Coles as an artifact of the nightlife in Thailand and elsewhere that illustrates that, when one is truly addicted to the experience of sitting on a bar stool in some Patpong or Nana Plaza dumpsite, there is little else to do other than doodle on a cocktail napkin or partake in some Chang Beer induced navel-gazing. Taking it one step further and committing the whole thing to canvas seems to Saphan Loy like an act of masturbatory self-justification born not of artistic “inspiration”, but of profound feelings of guilt and sorrow.

Omitted from the Coles site is, unfortunately, a detailed price list. Although it is unlikely that Mr. Coles’ paintings will appear on Sotheby’s auction block anytime soon, the discerning sex tourist, when not haggling for the cheaper wares of the Patpong night market or eagerly pursuing beer specials, may have an altogether different artistic opinion. 

While we gave up staring at black-lit or glow-in-the-dark posters many years ago, at about the same time we gave up smoking marijuana and listening to Pink Floyd, Saphan Loy has considered purchasing a painting from Mr. Coles for the reception room of our corporate offices to position right above the love seat, preferably one showing the rictus grin of a ladyboy.

Barring that possibility, Saphan Loy proposes to commission Coles to do something on a larger, more ambitious scale. We envision a large black canvas filled with his signature fluorescent paint that shows the artist sitting alone in a mostly empty Bangkok hellhole and being visited by the worst kinds of demons of his own pathological worldview and imagination, mildly retarded with Singha beer and easily procured barbiturates, while (and here’s the tricky part) on the television screen positioned over the bar is the projection of Coppo di Marcovaldo’s medieval depiction of hell, rendered by Coles in precise and painstaking detail. 

The View from Above