Archive for nightlife

Sex Tourist Visas, Alcohol, Stickman: All on the Chopping Block

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 1, 2014 by สะพานลอย

If you have been following at all the deranged chatter of the Thai sex tourism blogs and sites, then you all well know that your multiple Sex Tourist Visas that fill the pages of your passports like a private stamp collection of shame and degradation will earn you something nobody had ever expected: a Thai Military exit visa.

True, these multiple sex tourist visas were meant to circumvent the laxly enforced border policies that Thailand had maintained in more promising times. However, if you have entered and reentered on these visas in the past, you were nonetheless violating the spirit of Thailand’s immigration policy and should have endeavoured to secure proper paperwork to begin with.

Sex Tourist Visas have been discontinued in the Land of Smile.

What it all boils down to, then, is economics and planning. Those who are too poor to establish themselves professionally in Thailand or who do not have the resources to prove that they are “retired” will have to vacate their bar stools in whatever blowjob bar they now call home, and find a more welcoming environment than a Thai immigration deportation cell. If the floundering sex industry of Thailand needed further help in its already sad decline, this is the nail in the coffin.

The only real solution at this point would be Thailand’s return to “democratic” representation, whatever the hell that means to anyone. However, we here at Saphan Loy headquarters believe the military occupation will last for some time.

As for the tolerance that Thais have historically shown for those living in the shadows of the Go Go circuit, the wind now blows in the opposite direction. The internet, too, has rendered what was once highly visible (albeit seedy and disgraceful), discreet and private. Yes, even in the Land of Vertical Smiles. It was a confidence game from the beginning, a dismal side note in the history of globalisation. But who didn’t love the experience while it lasted? The world is rapidly changing, and the satisfaction of crude, cheap “neo-colonial” fantasies a quickly fading thing of the past.

Now the expats of Thailand are ratcheting up tension on various fora and antiquated bulletin board services about the serious curtailment of alcoholic beverage service throughout the Kingdom. If this turns out to be the beginning of a prohibition of sorts, you may do one of two things in our book.

Pole us out of here.

One, you can enjoy the respite from alcohol that sobriety will permit you. Take a long hard look around you and see how you feel about Thailand then. Move to a small village, counsel the headman about the marriage of his stunning daughter, cultivate jackfruit, and take long boating excursions on the Mekong River. Admittedly, Lek and Tuy are giving me a look just now that suggests that they would not be happy leaving our fair city. And judging by their advanced-stage alcoholism, they are unlikely to consent to a life without alcohol.

But as the man of the house, I reminded them that during this sober interlude for all of us, they will have ample time in their new responsibilities to reflect in gratitude for all that I have given them, as the two of them, simple in appearance, graceful, strong, brown and lean beneath their straw hats, shall harmoniously pole my craft wherever the hell I tell them to.

Where to handsome man?

Or two, you can learn via your local library how to build and operate your own rice whiskey still on your soon-to-be re-nationalised property. Sure, you may get a visit from the Thai military to candidly discuss the wisdom of running a distillery, but if you have plenty of drinks on hand I would wager it would make you an honorary Thai soldier in no time.

The New Happy Hour

Finally, and perhaps most embarrassingly, the Stick has publicized an account of his complete incompetence as a business man in his latest column. Although I am not sure who is more foolish: the person who offered $150K for the site, or Stick for the offer’s refusal. Stickman’s greed, coupled with his gross overestimation of the potential of the site, have ensured that the site will likely remain unsold for years to come while the Stick hopes against hope that Thailand will revert to the land of no money, no honey.

In that time, the value of the site (now provisionally set at the outrageous $150K mark) will decline precipitously as the military occupation drags on indefinitely and harsher social conditions are imposed by the junta. Furthermore, the site requires a tremendous amount of overhaul (which Stick blithely ignored for the past 10 years) that should further reduce its attractiveness as the labour required to update the site would be onerous and mostly pointless. For the record, nobody clicks on advertisements anymore.

Last call.

Last call.

The Stick doesn’t have a lot of leverage in any case. Thailand is under military occupation, the nightlife is suffering substantially, the sex tourist visa issue has added uncertainty and risk, a policy of social prohibitions seems to be underway, and the internet now allows for the pursuit and location of one’s third-world pleasures with a greater ease and precision than a clunky HTML guide to bars could ever hope to achieve.

That and fifty cents will get you a cup of coffee.

The View from Above

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Jimmy Smithers Released…in his trousers

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2014 by สะพานลอย

First, sincere apologies for not getting news out of Jimmy Smithers sooner than this. Lek was just now lounging about Saphan Loy Central with a perpetual frown, like she wanted me to get up and entertain her. I told her to run along and catch a picture show. Lately she has been jealous of Tuy. Why this is happening is quite unclear. After all, Lek has some unique qualities about her which afford her the proper place as the primary wife: she is able to drink me under the table for starters, she could probably kick my ass up and down the soi without breaking a sweat, and her Kegel muscles are so strong that she must have spent her entire adult life inserting things into her vagina for sport.

Words of wisdom to those fortunate enough to secure the affections of two Thai women simultaneously: create few conditions whereby they have an opportunity to pull each other’s hair out, and keep your cutlery under lock and key.

That said. Oh, yes. Smithers.

Turns out, he had exaggerated his purported “run in” with the Thai military. He had been drinking for several days, that much is clear from the witness statements and surveillance video. But his problems with Thai officialdom resulted in actuality from his failure to pay a much older “woman who searches for food” for her evening of “services” which included, at one very low point, the insertion of her foot into his rectum for sensory erotic purposes. When Smithers frightened her with his incoherence, his inability to achieve an erection, and his unwillingness to remit her fee, she called the Thai gendarmes, and one of them, with an embarrassed almost apologetic smile, told him to pay her what he owed her: 1,000 baht.

Regardless of his reluctant fiduciary compliance, he was unable to walk down the single flight of stairs to the soi, and therefore needed medical assistance, which was happily provided by the lovely nursing staff at a provincial Thai hospital despite the fact that one of them had to give him a sponge bath, his first hygienic experience in perhaps several weeks if discounting his bizarre fortnightly “bathing” ritual in the Gulf of Thailand.

Enter Saphan Loy, Lek, and Tuy. Mainly, we forked over the emergency funding to get him back on his feet again and hopefully to an internationally qualified physician and attendant psychiatrist, the names of which were provided by the exasperated staff at his embassy. Lek and Tuy also made a phone call to the province where he was temporarily domiciled in his grim little hospital room to have two fat ripe Durians and a bottle of whiskey (obviously against hospital policy) delivered directly to his bedside table over the timid protestations of the head nurse.

Smithers argued that he had no hand grenades at time of admission.

Smithers argued that he had no hand grenades at time of admission.

At any rate, faithful readers, my apologies. I have allowed that fat prick Jimmy to interfere with my whole plan for the last time. Now that the world is ending, or at least as illustrated by the last gasps of the dying nightlife of Thailand which, now mortally wounded, kicks its legs erratically the way an animal might after being struck by a moving vehicle, we should focus on what remains fun in the Kingdom, for those who will still remain here after the 30-day sex tourist visas wallpapered in their passports result in a sudden, military-like departure from the Kingdom, paid for in full by them or their perturbed families.

In even better news, our old companion Mobi has opened a bar on some dubious lake on the outskirts of Pattaya at what is perhaps the worst time imaginable: during a military occupation of the country’s economy, a plummeting baht, and a badly damaged tourist sector. Not surprisingly, he has recently become depressed again. And while I am not plugging his bar for sympathy reasons, Lek and Tuy (and I) strongly recommend you pay him a visit on the dark side of the lake. Mobi is keeping the fires burning, putting up the good fight, and all that, and for that we should be grateful.

Bring me my breakfast. Make sure it is ice cold please.

I am certain she will serve my English breakfast as I take it: ice cold and in the bottle.

Now, while we just admitted we were not doing this out of the pure goodness of our darkened and twisted hearts, it is our hope that we may be recompensed in kind when the three of us take a jaunt out into the countryside and require refreshing libation, tasteful music, actual conversation in properly enunciated English, a variety of food offerings, and additional female companionship (should Lek and Tuy humour an old man like me, of course.)

Is everyone wearing a seat belt?

Is everyone wearing a seat belt?

It is my hope that at the very least, the drive out there had better involve a nice long Thai back massage (more than ten minutes, or I will take away those damned cell phones, ladies!) while I thread the Saphan Loy Dream Machine through the inexplicable traffic patterns (or complete lack thereof) that suddenly confront us, the ancient Heil lorries loaded with chemicals, cement, sewerage, and God knows what else, bearing down on wobbly motorbikes, bullock carts, and sundry rattletraps that defy basic principals of mechanical engineering, as we struggle with the wisdom of such an undertaking in the first place.

And we won’t invite Jimmy Smithers. That is a promise.

 

The View from Above

Saphan Loy’s Account of the Thai Military Occupation

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 8, 2014 by สะพานลอย

Well, first some sour news for those of you wondering where we have been. Longtime readers will recall our former friend, Jimmy Smithers, who has had his fair share of problems, medical, psychological, and moral. For the longest time, he had lost touch with us, following his own downward spiral living alone in the United States, alcoholic, sexless. About eight months ago, he managed somehow (with the assistance of a minor windfall that allowed him to purchase an airline ticket) to travel back to Thailand. Occasionally, he would drunkenly call the Saphan Loy hotline, insult Lek with some choice vulgarities he had been cultivating in his imbecilic brain, and not be heard from again for weeks, sometimes months.

Let’s skip ahead to this coup d’état, which has made Thailand about as attractive of a tourist destination as North Korea in midwinter. Recently, Lek and I received a strange and garbled telephone call from the Thai-Cambodian border crossing at Poipet. And yes, it involves Jimmy Smithers, that fat fuck. The Thai military had detained him after an incident at some derelict bar on the Thai side. According to the authorities, he had been drinking for four straight days and was under the influence of a powerful barbiturate that Cambodians reserve for controlling its genetically inferior livestock.

Poipet border crossing

Poipet border crossing

What happened at the bar is unclear, and we can only surmise at this point. However, we had our lawyer (one of Lek’s family “friends”) contact the military commander in charge of Sa Kaeo province to see if this could be sorted out amicably for poor old Smithers.

Now, let me warn readers in all due seriousness. Saphan Loy is not going to sugarcoat the whole military situation the way StickmanBangkok so blithely has.

The coup d’état is real. And they mean business.

The military commanders reported that sometime around 3:00 AM on the previous Tuesday morning, Smithers launched into a political tirade, incomprehensible to most, made several rude gestures with parts of his anatomy, attempted to hoist his fat arse onto the bar itself which then precipitated a rapid structural degradation of the bar-top collapsing it like dry bamboo under his weight, which, in turn, compromised the walls of the flimsy structure that had been built to accommodate the fly-by-night watering hole. He had said some pretty offensive things, the poor old bugger. Were I there to counsel him, I would have pounced on his grotesque body and forcefully clamped his mouth shut.

The military immediately detained him and we haven’t heard from him since.

Now, all things considered, life for farang is pretty much normal in this period of dark political uncertainty, particularly in Bangkok. We can still come and go as we please as long as we observe a curfew and do not stir up the shit-pot. And yes, the bars are still open, though largely empty and depressing. However, I know I am speaking for a large contingent of resident expats (including the Bay Area Boyfriends) when I say that it could be worse.

We should all thank our lucky stars that we have not been rounded up at gunpoint and sent by railway out into the countryside to begin a “reeducated” life of collective rice farming on sprawling communes owned and operated by InTouch Holdings PLC (formerly Shin Corp) of which the largest shareholder is Singapore’s Temasak Holdings through a subsidiary called Aspen Holdings Ltd at 41.62% of the company. I ain’t gonna work on Yingluck’s farm no more!

Curfews and fear have put a major damper on my wandering of the red light districts of Bangkok. So what’s a serious hedonist to do in the city during difficult political times? Well, for one, stock up. And I don’t mean on Sri Racha sauce and pla duk. I mean on bar girls.

What started as a nuisance has become something much worse. And Lek is none too pleased. Here’s the thing. When you have one mia luang, and you want to bring mia noi into the flat, you will encounter, how do I say it with sensitivity, challenges.

My impulse was almost charitable. Lek has known about Tuy for the better part of the year and has been very tolerant of our harmless crush. Tuy hails from the metropolis of Lopburi, and she is a tad darker (maybe two tones) than Lek, and younger with beautiful long black hair, a stunning smile, and piercing eyes. I suggested to her that, because of the well-known wild monkeys in her home town, perhaps she is part sex monkey herself.

Lek's new "friend", Tuy

Lek’s new “friend”, Tuy

At any rate, Tuy was caught out by the coup. She did not have the cash-flow to go all the way back to Lopburi, and she certainly didn’t want to stay in a crowded little place with several other catty farm girls who menstruate at the same time, so I invited her to stay with us until this all blows over.

Lek, as you may suspect, was furious. But since I am the man of the house, I insisted. I warned Lek that at a time of military occupation of the country, she should listen to my commands if she knows what would be best for her long-term peace and stability. In parallel to the new military order, I have become emboldened to act like General MacArthur in my own home, in complete command of two Thai bar girls. Yes, it is a challenge. But like MacArthur, my resolve is like newly forged steel.

So there it is folks. As I write this, Tuy is watching something mindless on the television (more of the same, Thai military processions and poorly-composed patriotic anthems) while picking her nose. Lek is in our bedroom taking a nap. And to be perfectly honest, I am enjoying every minute of this military “interlude”. It’s about time we had some structure and order around here.

The View from Above

Jimmy Smithers Ladyboy Roundup

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 8, 2011 by สะพานลอย

Recently, one of Professor Ng’s literally handful of mentally unstable readers posted a comment on the public lavatory wall that is his website regarding William Mahanakorn and ladyboys. When Saphan Loy attempted to post a response to this extraordinarily perceptive insight, Professor Ng did not publish it. Apparently when it comes to defending the good name of William Mahanakorn and Saphan Loy, Professor Ng’s “unhidden” agenda makes itself more plain, which is fine, considering the fact that our team of lawyers is currently becoming intimately familiar with communications law in the State of California. And his arbitrary use of censorship further discredits his dubious operation.  It is clear Professor Ng would rather defame, defraud and impersonate us than give up a little of his largely useless digital space for our acerbic response to Mr. Smithers.

So we started to think about Jim Smithers, the putative commentator and armchair psychoanalyst in question. And the more Saphan Loy considered the matter, it appeared that ladyboys, and those who find them interesting, are an underserved part of the nightlife scene in Thailand and in elsewhere in Asia. Stickman has featured their services prominently since they advertise on his site, and Professor Ng has shared photographs of ladyboys on his own site. So why not Saphan Loy?

A new feature is coming to Saphan Loy: Jimmy Smithers' Ladyboy Corner

In the spirit of Jimmy Smithers’ (Sigmund Freud/Professor Ng’s) accusation, then, Saphan Loy is introducing a new feature called “Jimmy Smithers’ Ladyboy Corner, a part of the saphan loy from which to view the goings (and comings) of ladyboy admirers like Smithers (and Stickman and Professor Ng for that matter). In this feature, we will search the web for the most appealing, or most repellant ladyboys we can find, and, as you know by now, write pointless essays for your pleasure. But for this feature, we have emailed Jimmy Smithers directly asking for his input. Here is his response in its entirety, uncensored with no hidden agenda:

Thank you, William Mahanakorn, for the opportunity to write about my favourite topic: Thai ladyboys. As you know, because of my pronounced limp and my corrective left shoe, I usually have a problem finding real women in my home state of Georgia (Woo hoo, go Bulldogs!). Also, because of my chronic scalp problems and halitosis, I am not the most popular guy when cruising the shopping mall on Saturday nights. But what’s to stop a guy from trying? Besides, I think the Old Spice cologne helps. I buy it in bulk.

I am proud to write about Bangkok’s ladyboys. Professor Ng never asked me to write a longer article like you have. So what’s my experience? I’m glad you asked. Although I have been robbed on many occasions, I can’t keep out of Cassanova in Nana Plaza. I am like a moth to the flame, I guess. In this article, I plan to discuss ways to avoid being robbed by a ladyboy, how to disguise your prosthetic device(s), creative ways of concealing a scalp problem/baldness, ladyboy etiquette (who’s on top?), selecting the right personal lubricant, and how to impress your ladyboy with nice Thai gifts, like durians. I will also talk about more intimate moments, like when to unload and go, or when to kneel and bob, or how to deal with post-sex anal leakage.  I know, none of this is on the web yet. So we will try hard to bring it to you, only on Saphan Loy.

I think most of my colleagues at the discount tyre center and family members are okay with my adventures in Thailand. Aside from the robberies and physical assaults, I have had a few memorable moments with the ladyboys of Bangkok. I’ll never forget the time when a wig came off during a bareback bj, but even with the shattered illusion and the ruined mood, I just laughed it off as one of the many pitfalls of the scene. But with all of my experiences, I am confident you can avoid this too. So, let’s be frank: I will not try to make a buck off of my experiences. And neither will William Mahanakorn and Saphan Loy. You will get fair and balanced accounts of the latest and hottest ladyboy action in Thailand. So keep your eye out on this site, and a hand on your wallet at all times, and we will pave the way to hot ladyboy action in Asia, any time, all the time. 

“That’s our story and we’re sticking to it…”

No wait.

“But I don’t give a hoot…”

Let me try again. Bear with me on this.

“No hidden agenda, no censorship, no bullshit.”

Wait, that’s not quite right either.

“Your Bangkok commentator….”

Damn, taken.

“Thanks for stopping by, people…”

No, not what I am looking for….Wait for it:

She’s no lady. He’s a ladyboy!
Jimmy Smithers, Your Real Lady(boy’s) Man.

The View from Above

   

Dissecting a Frog Bar and Other Curiosities

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2011 by สะพานลอย

One of the strengths of WordPress (shameless plug for the platform) is that it alerts the author to all sorts of interesting Internet metrics. For example, our profile on the hot ladyboy action that the Stickman wrote about over at the Frog Bar in Pattaya has become a search engine result for the terms “dissecting a frog.” Saphan Loy apologises in advance to frustrated biology students everywhere who were hoping to find an easy answer for their lab assignments concerning the anatomy of the Rana esculenta.

Another perplexing development in the red light blogosphere is the revival of a previously moribund URL. Thanks to the diligence of the folks over at BigDummyKenny (soon to be renamed) and also to evidence of incoming links from the old URL, a bit of a digital curiosity has emerged from the wreckage of the former Werewolf’s Lair. After he abandoned his efforts and wrote an occasional, awkward post for the Big Mango Blog, the Werewolf put up a bizarre children’s site mockup (see below regarding Saphan Loy’s views of the subject of children). The old ghost link has now been reanimated and is called “mundane Bangkok” complete with a sidebar of crosslinks. Why Saphan Loy was omitted from this list is a mystery (and we take offense at the oversight).

So what’s the new blog about? Absolutely nothing. The syntax is clearly not the fabled Werewolf. The style is not quite right for him, so our theory is that he handed over the keys to the URL to someone (an elderly sex tourist) he met in a bar and said, “Good luck.” If the Werewolf had wanted to reintroduce himself to the world, why not start with a new URL? The old one is just plain awkward anyway.

What is to be discerned from the content of the new site? First, the writer has not been in Thailand “for 40 years”.  Fair enough. That puts him squarely in the Vietnam War veteran demographic, presumably an American whose first experience of the country was on R&R, or serving at one of the airbases in the boondocks. He may have now retired to Thailand  (or at the very least visits often), which he finds “mundane.” Ho hum. In Saphan Loy’s estimation, his “non-agenda” constitutes an agenda, so the reader should be wary. The very first post (some bland and not very original observations about Songkran) features, of all the possible mundane topics at his disposal, a conversation with children.

A word of advice to anyone posting information about Thailand for public consumption, particularly on an old URL (called bargirlsrpeople2) that once trumpeted the benefits of multiple sex partners culled from the red light districts. Avoid the subject of children like the plague. They are to be seen and not heard, not only in Thailand, but all around the globe.

That said, we wish the second “boring Bangkok blogger” the best of luck and a happy Songkran. And if you truly feel that Bangkok is either “boring”  or “mundane”, perhaps you might consider a holiday somewhere you may find more to your liking. Like, say, Disneyland.

Artist's rendering of proposed Disneyland in Shanghai

The View from Above

The Big Baby Kenny Disaster: Oh, the humanity!

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , on March 25, 2011 by สะพานลอย

The Precipice of Disaster

One of the more interesting aspects of blogging, and the ways in which it has altered the digital landscape, is they more or less require constant refreshment. A morbidly dying blog needs dramatic resuscitation in the event of its immenent collapse. It will shed readers fast if it is not constantly refreshed. That the more popular Thai nightlife blogs ignore the refreshment rate necessary to preserve and multiply readership is strange: Stickman refreshes his paid advertisement (weekly blog) every Sunday, William R. Morledge and Dean Barrett refresh once a month preferring the colours pink and purple, and assorted “old media” types are even less frequent. What is clear is that those who do update regularly (Big Dummy KennyMobithailand, Big Mango Bar blog, and Bangkok Buddy) typically see sustained growth in numbers because they are satisfying market demand. In fact, BDK’s site has surpassed BBK in numbers and has essentially shifted the playing field in its favor. BBK’s neglect has cost him readers and, in the long run, has turned his site into a virtual wall of graffiti: not unlike the walls of a shitter in a public men’s room. Perhaps this is the effect the professor is looking for? For a good time, call…

It has been clear for some time now that the BBK blog has been abandoned to all but a few lonely, schizophrenic and probably homeless men posting commentary from a public library somewhere. A high limit poker room? Hardly. More like an uncomfortable teacher’s lounge at a large, mediocre state university, where tense, resentful smiles are exchanged in lieu of pleasantries. 

In reviewing the blogs this week, sadly Mobithailand is also lamenting a precipitous drop in readership, including his own personal friends. It turns out that living a sober life in Pattaya is not all that inherently interesting. Poor Mobi  has resorted to posting pictures of his well-groomed pets. At any rate, Saphan Loy is still a loyal reader, even if his other readers would like him to go on a binge and drunkenly careen his car into a poorly-constructed bamboo beer bar at four in the morning.

Sukhumit Psycho is now peddling a guide to massage parlours in Bangkok (in addition to something he calls “premium content.” ) Saphan Loy did not realise that having one’s testicles rubbed with coconut oil is such an obstacle for some sex tourists, but apparently it is. We would like to get our hands on a review copy, obviously, but for moral reasons, we are unwilling to pay a single baht and thus subsidise such “market research.” If you have a copy you’d like to share for review, please contact us. But let’s wish him the best of luck…there are masseuses all throughout Thailand who are relying on a steady stream of eager and aroused customers who are unable to articulate in Thai (or their own language, or sign language, for that matter) that they would like the genital region included in the cost of the “traditional” oil massage. And that they are unwilling or unable to pay more than twenty dollars.

The View from Above

Saphan Loy To Publish the Bangkok Black Book

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , on March 16, 2011 by สะพานลอย

Saphan Loy is now accepting pre-orders for The Bangkok Black Book: The View from Above. This intimate portrait and all the salacious details of the characters, places, web legends, tall tales, unofficial history and stories that make Bangkok such a fascinating place will bring you to the heart of the dirty places that require prior innoculations and a strong constitution. Available wherever fine fiction is purveyed.

Check back for updates and teasers. To advance order your copy, or for all editorial inquiries, email WilliamNaMahanakorn@yahoo.com.

File:Diogenes looking for a man - attributed to JHW Tischbein.jpg

“This guy is the Christopher Hitchens of the Thai Whore Blog World.” — Big Black Gulliver (http://www.bigdummykenny.com)

Please also remember to help Dean Barrett exceed his bandwidth and facilitate his personal bankruptcy. This will severely curtail his curious habit of licking clean the dirty, splay-toed Thai and Chinese feet he so adores, thus relieving these poor women of their degradation. His brilliant perspectives on Thai nightlife and Islam can be found here.