Archive for Stickmanbangkok

2012 Stumbles to an Ignominius End

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2012 by สะพานลอย

….and 2013 looks no better for the motley group of fools who continue with their dubious output of words and poorly framed photographs depicting the brothel districts of Thailand, from the disgraced professors and teachers (Big Baby Kenny Ng and Stickman), to the humdrum typists of pulp e-books which nobody purchases (Stephen Blather et. al.), to the marginally retarded (Bangkok Buddy and Kent Hammond). Normally, Saphan Loy would conduct a “blow-by-blow” analysis of the year in review, but sadly, it seems that the whole year was a washout for the barflies of Bangkok.

The holiday season in Thailand’s red light districts is a grim reminder that there are many lost souls from around the world who continue to gravitate to these places, washed up has-beens, lovelorn, hopeless, and thirsty, compelled by the biological imperatives of their unmanageable vices, motivated by the squalid reward of a short-time hotel room, a cheap sex enhancement drug, and a Thai rice farmer’s daughter or two. Or a Thai rice farmer’s son in drag who happens to possess an artificially added set of double DDs and a chemically induced uncircumcised hard-on, or a surgically altered vaginal skin-fold.

It is a time when our favourite bar girls, mamasans, and bartenders are trotted out in the cheapest of Christmas-themed lingerie and paraded around sticky barroom floors in darkened corners of cheap, third-world gin mills, enticed by a few hundred baht and the false promise of an improvement in their stations in life.

It is the time of year to drown regrets in rice whiskey, or the local non-potable lager, and to stifle the merest threat of an emerging sense of conscience, any images of domesticity that we left behind elsewhere in the developed world where we once may have had friends and family, or even the thought, “What the hell am I doing here?”

It is also the time of the year when we can imagine, although remotely and through the artifice of fiction, a character much like George Bailey, driven to despair by financial catastrophe in the timeless American classic It’s a Wonderful Life, who attempts suicide only to be shown a life without his presence in the world, followed by a dramatic, heart-warming redemption.

We can picture, for example, Professor Big Baby Kenny Ng, clinically depressed by the mistakes of his life, his failures as an economist/school teacher, his morbid obesity, his disgraceful and very public fall from grace, and his grotesque appetite for young Thai bargirls, contemplating suicide on a barstool somewhere in Saphan Khwai (yes, he has sunk this low), while drunkenly crying in his cups and muttering dark curses at his imagined enemies and the success of others. Yes, we can see him, his ego stung by the utterance of a snaggle-toothed ladyboy who has just called him a khii mao, in this Saphan Khwai hellhole, his life story spooling away from him like the sad and sordid conclusion to an old 16 mm stag film he vaguely remembers from his misspent youth witnessing the fabled Tijuana donkey show flickering on a yellowing wall in his dorm room.

And we can hope, as we watch him in this Saphan Khwai watering hole, trying to find an outlet for his laptop and arguing with the mamasan in a language he does not understand, that Ng will come to meet an angel who will put his arm around his shoulder and say, “But you have had a wonderful life, Professor Ng.” And when this dreary holiday fable comes to its conclusion in the darkened karaoke parlor, and those grim concluding words appear, “Remember, no man is a failure who has friends”, we will all sigh deeply, because, well, we know how Ng has mistreated his friends and alienated his colleagues irreparably.

My lovely assistant Lek is in tears, daubing at her almond eyes with a Kleenex, the poor thing. Ok, enough of your blubbering. Get me a drink. And put on that skimpy Father Christmas costume I purchased for you.

Similarly, we can wish at this time of year that the celebrated scribe of the red light districts, the Stickman, is visited by a Dickensian scene, the bar girl of Christmas past, who appears to him in his Bangkok high-rise bound in the chains of oppression that he has caused by stimulating a prurient interest in all things related to sex commerce. Awakened at midnight by the apparition, the Stick cowers under his mosquito net, while the bar girl of Christmas past says, “You handsome man no good man. You bad man.

Stickman is awakened at midnight by the bar girl of Christmas past.

The Stick mistakenly believes he is dreaming, and responds, “Is that Bernard Trink?”, then swallows another tranquilizer. His slumber thus returned, he is awakened soon thereafter by the bargirl of Christmas present, who shows him the horrid reality of plane-loads of elderly westerners arriving in Bangkok, all streaming into the big yellow vagina of Nana Plaza, depositing their baht along with their diseased chromosomal material, and leaving empty beer bottles and broken lives of the impoverished girls who remain behind staring hopefully at the dim glow emanating from their cellphones.

And finally, what of the bar girl of Christmas future? What tidings does she bring? Or he? And whither the red light districts in Thailand in 2013? Only the new year will tell. Lek has visited the witch doctor and received bad tidings. But I am optimistic. And rest assured gentle reader. In an ever more hostile cyber world, Saphan Loy will continue to be a “troll-free zone” and will remain a place where intelligent, adult discussion of all things Thai brothel districts is welcome, where sexpats and sex tourists can tune in for the latest deep analysis of the red light blogosphere and the bizarre bedfellows who populate it.

Therefore, may you and your bar girls or ladyboys (or donkeys) enjoy the best of the holiday season, and with hope look forward to another year of unabashed whoring and drinking and drugging all the while avoiding liver failure or cardiac arrest. And may all of your wishes at the Hindu shrines of Bangkok bring you the loves of your life, prosperity, and just enough success to continue your binges without guilt, shame, or remorse of any kind.

Happy New Year!

Yours truly, and my lovely assistant Lek.

The View from Above

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Doom and Gloom and the Sex Trade in Thailand

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2012 by สะพานลอย

With all of the doom and gloom over on Stickman about the current state of the brothel scene in Bangkok, the red-light blogosphere has been dying a painfully slow death as of late. It is natural that sites like his, or Big Fat Baby Kenny’s, will go the way of transistor radios and Spanish Fly love potions. There are two important lessons that the teachers behind both of the aforementioned sites clearly missed: in Stick’s case, he should have cashed out at the top of the market for his services, and in Professor Ham-fist’s case, he should have parlayed his sudden US-media notoriety into his own talk show. Or at the very least started his own pornographic website.

Big Baby Kenny Ng’s ladyboy adventures are now but yesteryear’s wet-dream….

In looking around the blogosophere this week, it has become painfully clear that much of the energy has dissipated both in the well-established sites and in those blogs that soldier on despite an increasingly apparent public apathy toward Asian prostitutes in general. It is as though the brothel districts of Thailand and Southeast Asia are becoming ghost towns, the last refuge of those nostalgic for their heyday circa 1968, supplanted by new forms of economic growth and opportunity. The Internet, mobile devices, i-this and i-that, these are all making the bar areas useful only to the alcoholic, the elderly, the sex-addicted and relief-seeking men whose ageing bodies are deformed by years of abuse but that still respond (miracle of miracles) to aphrodisiacs manufactured in Bombay and all points West.

Lek and I therefore decided to pay a visit to an old site that we occasionally consulted when my testicles required a liberal slathering of baby oil: Sukhumvit Psycho. But when the page loaded, we were told that this site has undergone a radical name-change. The Sukhumvit Psycho is no more, replaced instead by, brace for it, Sukhumvit Entertainment!

I know what you are thinking. It has all of the excitement and originality of the name of a cable television channel. There are so many things silly about this change in nomenclature that it is difficult to know where to begin. But rest assured, for those of you who relied heavily on the testicle massage guide that Sukhumvit Psycho was best known for, the information is still there, but only if you have the time and inclination to click through a dizzying array of links that will point you in all sorts of directions on the site. By the time you find the information you are looking for, you could have picked up the phone in your hotel room and said in simple English, “I’d like a massage. Room 157” to have arrive, moments later, a sheepish Thai woman with a bottle of baby oil.

The site itself looks the same, and still features multiple grammatical errors (given the language challenges of its writer or writers), with most of the potentially useful information effectively gated behind one of those tired “forums” that are also becoming like the dusty relics of Web 1.0 and the mainstay of elderly men who like to create purposefully deranged avatars and rack up trivial submission counts. For many years we have seen these forums dedicated to Thailand prostitution and have avoided them like a venereal disease.

Nonetheless, Lek and I decided to have a gander at the available information on the Psycho’s website, er, sorry, on Sukhumvit Entertainment. It is interesting to observe that the “Premium Membership” option no longer exists. When do we get our refund?! And many of the public pages now resemble the old link farms that sat on the web in the late 1990s like useless handbills. To add insult to injury, the links for Asian Dominas (to satisfy Lek’s curiosity, the naughty tavern wench!) do not even work. Those websites were likely silenced by the long arm of the local Gendarmerie. And while we are on the topic, Saphan Loy is saddened to report that not one of our many international readers even bothered to send us a copy of the Testicle Massage Guide. It is still available for only $14.99. And the holidays are right around the corner. And yes, this is a hint. I suspect that for Christmas this year, Lek is (once again) planning on gifting me a pile of her well-thumbed “ka-toon” books.

And so the search continues. Saphan Loy is like Diogenes of Sinope holding up our lamp in the red-light districts of Asia, looking for an honest man. However, we leave you with this image, courtesy of BigBabyKenny.com, which reveals the location of a sordid nightclub somewhere in the dark jungles of Northeastern Thailand. Because, much like this very helpful conveyor of important geographical information (the GPS), we will continue to illumine the digital darkness with a single, and most perfect ray of light.

The View from Above

Big Baby Kenny (Gangnam) Style and Some Thoughts on Stuckman

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2012 by สะพานลอย

Before we begin this latest installment, a word of sincere thanks to William R. Morledge, Jr., whose recent mention of Saphan Loy over at Bangkok Eyesore has really generated an impressive spike in traffic figures here at The View from Above. Also, while Lek and I are no experts on Lenny Bruce, the comparison Morledge makes is a flattering one. Lenny Bruce is a name I vaguely recall my grandfather mentioning in between sips of red wine. At 9 o’clock in the morning. While driving me to elementary school.

That William Morledge “gets it” is a testament to someone in the red light blogosphere who at a minimum has a sense of humour about the whole thing, or who at least doesn’t take writing about red light districts in third world countries to absurd heights of self-importance, like the self-styled authors of the red light pulp books do, or other “webmasters” who consider their work “important” beyond the very narrow confines of converted Chinese shop-houses-cum-brothels in our favourite decadent Southeast Asian city that we call home, or even the absurd paint-making of Chris Coles who turns the red light districts of Thailand into a seedy laboratory for his masturbatory experiments in appallingly offensive applied finger-painting.

That said, and moving on. If anyone has ventured a visit to the now moribund Big Baby Kenny Ng site, one will witness there the final gasps (yes, we have been saying it has been on its last legs for some time now) of a perverted and reclusive non-productive member of the academic community at the California State University at Northridge. Lek was reminded of Big Baby Kenny Ng recently when she stumbled upon this crazy Korean “Gangnam” tune that has attracted more than 438 million pairs of eyeballs on Youtube.

When we had the misfortune of looking at the unspeakably offensive video, we were amazed by the bizarre resemblance to Big Baby Kenneth Ng. Could it be?

Why Stickman No Longer Matters

When Stickman began his project to digitally chronicle the red light districts of Bangkok in the late 1990s, his site was an instant hit. He recognized a market need and filled it. This is the hallmark of a good entrepreneur. It provided a central place where once could obtain information about everyone’s favourite red light districts in Asia, and it molly-coddled elderly pensioners wishing to blow a wad on beer and hookers. He more or less picked up where the ailing and ageing Bernard Trink left off at the Bangkok Post, the old “mosey on down for a shandy” that appeared every Friday and of which Saphan Loy was a loyal reader.

The Stick’s site was, and is, garish and colourful. He tinted his writing with a gosh-golly-gee tone that served him well initially, but which now seems quaint, prudish, and paradoxical. He was able to attract the eyeballs of older sexpats everywhere, while not putting them off with confusing jargon or pointless technicalities. His site was (and is) a kind of “Thai Prostitution for Dummies”. He was “inclusive” to a a very limited extent by allowing his“readers” to submit pointless stories, the better of which he awarded special “green stars” (much like a school-marm would dole out) which in turn became a distinction that a cast of certain characters relished. In a real sense, Stickman’s reader submissions were a precursor to the ways that the internet would change over the years with more or less instant commentary, threads, and robust discussion forums. And this is precisely the direction that the red light sites ventured. Except Stick’s.

We have written in the past that Stick is stuck in the late 1990s, and these days, while digital information is moving at speeds well above what the Stickman may be most comfortable with, it is clear that the Stick’s stuck site may not be as useful as it once was, or as lucrative.

For starters, it is not optimized for mobile platforms (just like others hosted by geriatric webmasters which his site is coming to resemble). Secondly, who bothers to read the “Green Star” submissions, when similar stories are on offer in blogs like the Big Mango Bar Blog, where the commentary is often more elucidating than the submission itself? And finally, with the proliferation of sites like Tagged.com or Thai Lust Links, or whatever, the Internet has made possible all sorts of assignations that render a bar essentially a quaint holdover to an earlier time, when the Internet or even the telephone was less optimal in enabling the delivery of willing and able-bodied young women (or, in Stickman’s case, young ladyboys) to a man’s doorstep.

By extension, it may be argued that the whole red light mirage in Thailand may soon find itself evaporating in the humid night air along with the decline of the structures that support it, namely the old Western men who will (and have) been expiring in the Land of Vertical Smiles while pursuing the brown nymphs of the rice fields. When will the property values of the red light districts in Bangkok surpass any conceivable business reasons to maintain brothel bars for the long-term?  In our estimate, the time has already come.

The View from Above

Pussy Magic Flower: Roaches, Ladyboys, and the GFE on Khaosan

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2012 by สะพานลอย

For those of you following everyone’s favourite economics professor, this may come as a shock. His alternative blog, formerly bigbabykennethng.wordpress.com has been removed for a Terms of Service violation. Now, truth be known, it was clear that this particular blog wasn’t really our cherished Professor Ng’s work. Professor Sexpants probably got a sore ass from having his identity replicated by someone with a clear agenda, one that included calling attention to his actual and degrading writings of yesteryear. For Ng to complain to the folks at WordPress because someone stole his identity is a real riot, given the fact that he has engaged in that strategy on his site bigbabykenny.com for a very long time. Whatever the truth, what goes around…you know the rest.

Like clockwork, the Stick has presented his annual homage to the ladyboys. They were due for their plugging, and plug them he did. And good for them. Their nasty stories were compelling evidence that the great majority of sex tourists in Bangkok have likely encountered a ladyboy, and have, in turn, been penetrated. This is not a surprise. Saphan Loy would venture a guess that ladyboys now account for the majority of sex workers in the bars. If you don’t believe it, then your own form of self-delusion is more potent than a tall bottle of Chang beer.

A plague of cockroaches! That’s exactly what the Stick encountered on his way to interview a few snaggle-toothed escorts for his latest and greatest. He reported that shortly after his cheaply constructed condominium was nearly demolished by a rainfall, the Stick went out into a sea of dirty water to bring us a feeble interview with Isan’s poster-girls of bad dentition. Like Indiana Jones, he became covered in cockroaches while standing in floodwaters in the red light district. Ho hum. Were the Stickman more resourceful, he might have handed over the roaches to the insect vendors for a tidy little profit. Ultimately, though, I think that the rainfall, the roaches, the shitty flood water, and the mediocre interview with the call girls have all the hallmarks of a bad Biblical prophecy. Had it happened to Saphan Loy, we would have taken it as a sign from God that our work in the impoverished red light districts of Thailand should come to a merciful end, and that we should make a full confession to our parish priest, or the abbot of the local temple, and issue an apology to our readers.

Over at the Big Mango Bar blog, this recent post nearly forced our analytical skills into overdrive. Was it legitimate? Was it written by a woman, or, worse, Professor Sexpat Ng? Was someone trying to take the piss, as our British friends like to say? Clearly, the writer suffers from a subcranial deficiency of some kind. One of the most repellent paragraphs from the whole train wreck of a story is the following:

We take a taxi to Khaosan Road — we start cuddling in the taxi and she steers my hand down to her pussy so I can finger her (covered by her purse) — I consider if I should take her to a bathroom when we arrive at Khaosan Road and fuck her, as I’m pretty turned on, but wasn’t sure how she’d like that, so I hold myself back and instead we get a roti with banana and chocolate sauce and a beer at a bar.

What in Christ’s name was this man thinking? Checking her oil in the taxi, then going for a roti on Khaosan Road? How romantic. And how completely unhygienic. Saphan Loy would only travel to Khaosan for one of two reasons: sudden and irreversible poverty, or a desire to bone a sweaty European backpacker chick with hairy legs and armpits (just to change things up a bit). But hell, if I wanted to discharge some protozoans into a pasty, idealistic young hippy chick with hairy legs, I would simply enroll in an economics course over at California State University at Northridge.

The View from Above

The Year in Review: A New Year Ahead. Observations, Predictions.

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2011 by สะพานลอย

What a sordid year it was. As we get ready to ring in the new year, Thai style with a bottle of lukewarm Singha, let’s recall some major low-lights from the year past, and look ahead to what the new year holds in store. The past year witnessed some atrocities, as usual, in the Thai redlight blogosphere. Very few gems were to be found in the roughage that comprises the palsied prose and tortured syntax of the blog-heads. In addition, we have seen that some scribblers have decided to bow out of the online scene altogether. A few comments follow. Parental discretion is advised.

Stickman Bangkok

Let’s start with the biggest and the brightest of the online luminaries, Stickman Bangkok. After teasing his audience throughout the year with hand-wringing and indecision regarding his future, he has decided, not surprisingly, to stay put in the red-light districts of Thailand, which have come to define him. His photography has devolved, and his favourite subjects still seem to be poor children and bargirls. While he unashamedly takes cold (hard) ladyboy cash, and the filthy lucre of brothels as advertising revenue, he still insists that he doesn’t partake, and that he is stupefied by changes in the country. Saphan Loy believes this is the most interesting part of his website, though he doesn’t intend it as such. He is constantly flummoxed by Thailand’s changing demographics and the demographics of the sex tourist population in general. What does the new year hold in store for the poster boy of sex tourism himself? Likely, he will find himself stuck in Thailand, a “lifer”, ping-ponging from bar to bar like some character in a Greek tragedy. Always tantalized by the offerings, but never partaking, we predict he will end up much like Dean Barrett.

One day in the new year, he will break down, step into Bar Bar or Demonia, and be offered a sound lashing from a Thai rice farmer’s daughter who will then insert an uncomfortably large sex toy into his rectum while he barks like a soi dog. Stickman will consent enthusiastically, and find it so pleasurable that he will dedicate himself to BDSM for the remainder of his natural life, never sitting comfortably again. From there, he will slip down the slippery slope and avail himself of the services of a small group of ladyboy escorts, who will treat him like a schoolgirl in the comfort of his Bangkok highrise.

Big Baby Kenny Ng

This year marked the departure from the serious blogosphere of Professor Big Baby Kenny Ng out in California. He has clearly given up the ghost, allowing the only active thread to be overwritten by the criminally insane. His brand of lunacy will be turned off in the new year, and he will likely be joining the swelling ranks of American unemployed academics, scratching out a living by tutoring semi-retarded children. But not to fear. There are plenty of openings at TEFL International, and perhaps the clown-in-chief there can teach him a thing or two about the Thais.

As of this writing, however, it appears the Ng has just published another word-fart about a cheap buffet in Bangkok. He is clearly celebrating his holiday in Bangkok, courtesy of the moronic California taxpayer, who is so immobilized by political correctness that he (or she) cannot stand up in the face of basic humanitarian atrocities.

The Chinese love all you can eat buffets. They pile their plates full of crappy fried food and rejoice in the low cost of eating it, then pass it through their intestines, then clog up the plumbing, much to the horror of the chambermaids at the cheap flophouse he calls home in the city of angels. Saphan Loy predicts that Ng’s cheap Bangkok buffets will soon turn into long lines at his local soup kitchen.

Big Baby Kenny will soon join the long lines at the soup kitchen.

Mobithailand

Our friend Mobi has been busy and, mercifully, staying sober. He has interestingly decided to post photos of his paramour, Noo, who is quite lovely indeed. We wish Mobi the best in the new year. He has been one of the few stalwarts among the blog-heads, always posting honestly and without artifice. Mobi consistently proves that a dotage spent in Thailand can be tempting, relaxing, and enjoyable all at the same time. We hope he avoids temptation of the spiritual kind, and continues to post about the darkside and all the darkies that can be found there.

The Redlight Scribblers (and Painter)

Stephen Blather et al., including the abominable Chris Coles, will likely continue to type unreadable prose, and render unspeakably offensive arts and crafts that assault the senses (unless those senses happen to be dulled by the local lager and barbiturates.) Look for hefty additions to the pulp-making machine, or network-clogging “e-books” that appeal to the inpatients at your local veteran’s home. Also in the coming new year, perhaps Coles will finally sell a neon bargirl to the half-blind, or the blind-drunk, who would like a painting to install above the commode. Or, better yet, perhaps the new year will inspire Coles to retire from his paint-making efforts, hang up his smock, and, instead, take up semi-permanent residence on a barstool on Patpong, administered to by a snaggle-toothed ladyboy.

Jimmy Smithers

So, what of that lady(boy’s) man, Jimmy Smithers? He has exciting plans for the new year. He is currently in negotiations with a major motion picture studio for the rights to his personal stories. He also has a new line of merchandise planned, including coffee mugs, tee-shirts and insulated beer holders. He is hard at work on his e-book, and is scanning his local classified sections for shemales, transvestites and ladyboys. Because he was recently fired, it is unlikely that a Bangkok trip is in the cards for the new year. Look for further depravity to escape from his keyboard, prolonged struggles with alcohol and sinus medication, and lurid accounts of his masturbation habits. He may even develop adult-onset diabetes, or have what he calls a “crap-attack” at an inopportune moment (like a job interview.) We predict great things for Jimmy Smithers. He’s one to keep your eye on. You know, by covering your other eye with your hand when the room is spinning, or you can’t navigate the Bangkok sidewalks after consuming too much Mekong Whiskey.

At any rate, Saphan Loy wishes you the best of the holidays, and a happy new year. As long as sex tourists are willing to jot down their half-formed ideas, their tawdry hopes and dreams, and their sinful encounters with third world prostitutes, we will be there. And despite all our plights and gripes, we still give them credit for trying. After all, an internet absent of their presence would be a boring place indeed.

The View from Above

The Internet: A Penny Arcade of Perversity

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2011 by สะพานลอย

The red light blogosphere has fallen into a state of disrepair much like the about-to-be demolished Washington Square: that anachronistic and motley assembly of cheap bars that once was home to the Vietnam War veteran hold-outs who never got the hint and went home to Dubuque or Paducah, and bar stool type-writers like Dean Barrett, who clung to cheap memories, bad food, stale beer, war trauma, and an occasional out-to-pasture Thai prostitute, and watched from the dim confines of a bar while the late tropical afternoons slipped by one after the other in some kind of sordid calendar of depravity. In reality, Washington Square has been nothing more than a toxic dumpster for the past twenty years, if not longer. At the very least.

The reality of the Internet has been equally depressing this past week for Saphan Loy, who has found no inspiration in the usual places. This happens from time to time, as we begin to understand that the red-light blogosphere is filled with perversity, lunacy and moronic content cobbled together by freaks palsied by drugs and drink. Any Tom, Dick or Harry can set up an email account and create a rudimentary blog whereby they can express semi-literate and poorly formed ideas, typed up in half-assed unpunctuated prose, then transmit them around the world with all of the authority of the village idiot, whose formal education is comprised merely of the number of hours they have spent on their favourite bar stool, their factoids gleaned not from books and university studies, but from other alcoholics, perverts, sex tourists and misfits. And so it is with the red light blogosphere of Thailand, where increasingly the subject matter has devolved into a nothingness, including micro-penises and the like, that is becoming increasingly intolerable: a source of grave mental retardation and little in the way of entertainment. Excepting, of course, the highly depressing car-crash that is Jimmy Smithers, the landscape of the Thai blogosphere is as blighted as ever and does not promise to improve any time soon.

An early version of the Internet.

Some examples follow. Stickman Bangkok, the website that produces pointless gossip about the red light districts of Thailand, is now essentially unreadable. Each week when his column is produced, we can no longer read it in its entirety, because they are nearly all identical. Instead, we quickly scan the block of text and antiquated banner advertisements for anything that approaches something of interest. Occasionally, we’ll click one of the links to the better-written  professional mainstream articles that he links to. It is sadly time for him to pack up the laptop and go gently into that good night, and see what kind of life he might be able to salvage in New Zealand before he gets too old to find a more productive and potentially honourable career. Although of course we remain interested in whatever blather the TEFL International clown has to say if only because it is so totally offensive.

Sukhumvit Psycho. Jimmy Smithers tells me that on more than one occasion, he has contacted the “guest friendly” hotels that Sukhumvit Psycho has endorsed, enquiring about both the feasibility of bringing two ladyboys into his room, but also to find out about their pet policies, for some odd reasons that must be entirely his own. He even posted on the Suk blog, which is not really a blog as there are few actual comments allowed. It seems to be one of those vacuous pseudo-sites that populate the Internet (like, say Bangkok Eyes) and that piss you off every time you click on the damn thing, the only goal of which is to sell an e-guide to getting a “soapy” hand-job in Thailand, or gratifying the ego of its creator. If you need a manual to help find a place to get a hand-job in Thailand, you probably require all sorts of other assistance as well, like, perhaps, a guidebook on how to wipe one’s ass (front to back, or back to front?), how to tie your shoes, and how to remove mucous from your nostrils. Saphan Loy’s advice to Sukhumvit Psycho readers: contact the hotels he is endorsing and ask them directly about their guest policies. And hell, when in doubt or when confronted by an embarrassed hotel employee in a cheap dress-shirt, fork over whatever money the concierge demands. Jesus Christ. How much simpler can the whole process be? If you are so cheap and/or poor that you need a detailed guidebook to massage prices in Thailand, or need to find ways to avoid paying a hotel to make allowances for your special “guest”, then maybe you should find a new hobby, one that doesn’t require any money whatsoever: like collecting seashells on the beach. For Jimmy Smithers, and his Mongoloid partner-in-crime Poppa Percocet, it is more complicated than paying off concerned parties, since they often bring multiple sex partners into their rooms, but we will let them describe those tales in greater detail.

Another casualty to mention. The once prolific Werewolf, whose new blog called appropriately enough, mundane Bangkok (no link will be provided), has begun to cover Thai politics in earnest, as though he fancies himself some kind of political pundit. But in reality he is simply cutting and pasting content from New Mandala, which is the foremost authority on all things political in Thailand, but with its own painfully clear populist political agenda. There is only one natural conclusion to this kind of writing on the Internet: imminent deportation. Saphan Loy, for this reason, has removed all links to the Werewolf site. If the political views of a sex tourist interest you, especially ones that seek to interfere in another nation’s internal politics thereby unsettling domestic Thai security and violating Thailand’s Computer Crimes Act, then he’s your man. We wish him continued success in his patently offensive endeavors, and hope that his rapid deportation will be the very least form of punishment he incurs for meddling in Thai internal politics.

What else? Oh right. For the past several weeks, Saphan Loy has been experimenting with Twitter, and here are some observations. First, it provides a sanctuary for those who suffer from an impoverishment of actual thoughts, inner resources, or interesting observations, and attempt to compensate for this deficit by typing short sentences about the weather, what they are consuming, or some reference to popcorn culture in general. It certainly is fine for promoting a website, or pitching whatever products one has for sale. But for anything else, it is a general chaos of nonsense, blasphemy, and gibberish. If you are interested in the colourful characters of Thailand, both political and otherwise, then by all means “follow” whomever strikes your fancy, but don’t expect much in 140 characters or less. One of the most remarkable effects of the Internet it is that it reveals the abject poverty of public school systems in the instruction of grammar, syntax and vocabulary. The Internet has, unfortunately, forced everyone to attempt to type in complete sentences. This obstacle shows the impoverished resources that nations dedicate to instructing their students on how to communicate effectively. Just have a look at Twitter, and you will see all sorts of evidence of this poverty.

There, in the NitTwit-ter Zone, you will find endless streams of nonsense by people like Chris Coles (@KrisKoles), whose nearly constant harrassment of the US Ambassador in Thailand, The Honorable Kristie A. Kenney (@KristieKenney) likely constitutes some kind of digital stalking, the content of which is useful possibly to Coles’s psychotherapists, but embarrassing to read for anyone else. The fact that she never responds to him is encouraging enough, because his poorly formed, half-articulated political ideations are born of the occlusion of the brain produced by alcohol abuse, a compromised blood-flow to the brain, and tertiary syphilis. Plus, if he truly believes that Ambassador Kenney writes her own “Tweets”, his grasp of reality has all but disappeared. But if you’ve seen Coles’s artwork, you’ll understand that the man is slightly unhinged anyway.

In short, there always seems to be something lacking in the false promises of the Internet, that it is somehow going to “change the world” or that is in some ways responsible for social revolutions and the like. In reality, the Internet is a penny arcade of perversity, an advanced citizen’s band radio of obscenity, and a crude telegraph with pictures, all of which are used to link one lonely masturbating male to another. Only now, these linkages cross continents. But in the end, it is still the same: a lonely male masturbating to tawdry pictures and repellant fantasies. Sure, the Internet is also useful if you would like to look at scabrous photographs of women being horsewhipped, human beings urinating on each other, or to read about US college professors improving their micro-penis conditions overseas. But if you are interested in something, well, a little more meaningful: open a book.

The View from Above

TEFL International Clown Advocates Animal Cruelty, Genocide

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2011 by สะพานลอย

A casual perusal of the Stickman Bangkok site while we wait for his latest and greatest on Thailand’s red light districts shockingly reveals that the TEFL International Clown and Spokesman, Tim Torkildson, is still labouring away at the keyboard, flogging the benefits of teaching English in that sweatshop-like industry in Thailand with a TEFL International “certificate”, but this time with an alarming perspective on how to deal with the challenges of life in a Buddhist country.

In his most recent column called “Dog Daze”, Teacher Tim endorses the rather anti-Buddhist position that stray dogs, and indeed large swaths of the population of his adopted country should be exterminated. Citing the views of his “fiancé”, Joom, Teacher Tim believes that Thais should “collect and kill the tens of thousands of stray dogs” that make living in the kingdom treacherous for the circus clown, but that reflect the country’s Buddhist principles as they relate to population control. He goes on to suggest that Joom would make an excellent “Dog Executioner” given her innate desire to “destroy stray dogs.”

Further, as if the gross intolerance reflected here is not enough to send a Buddhist into several months of extended meditation in the nearest forest temple, Teacher Tim suggests that the disappearance of one particular dog resembled the political progroms that affected Argentine politics in the 20th century so notoriously. He hopes the dog in question was handled, in Teacher Tim’s words, “in much the same way, I hope, Argentine dissidents used to ‘disappear’.”

Teacher Tim, for all of his Thai students and prospective TEFL certificate clients not quite paying attention to this particular classroom and history lesson, is referring here to Argentina’s “Dirty War” whereby an estimated 9,000 to 30,000 left-wing dissidents were disposed of in secretive and inhumane ways. The victims, which included university professors, artists, writers and the like, were reportedly dropped alive out of helicopters or naval vessels into the Atlantic Ocean, or otherwise tortured and killed. Their “disappearance”, as Teacher Tim hopes of stray dogs and others he finds objectionable, is a euphemism for a politically orchestrated brutality and a certain death sentence. For more on Argentina’s “Dirty War’, Wiki, of course, provides an excellent article here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dirty_War.

While Teacher Tim describes his Thai girlfriend Joom as “half serious”, one wonders what other kinds of depravity the two of them are capable of imagining. Leaving aside the repellant effects this article would surely have on an aspiring TEFL certificate student intereseted in coming to Thailand (although, because of his way with words, we have recommended that Jimmy Smithers consider pursuing a TEFL certificate in Thailand: we believe he would make an excellent ESL teacher), and given the sensitive political conditions in Thailand at the moment, one would have to question both the apparent psychiatric instability of Teacher Tim and his bride-to-be, Joom, and the editorial discretion on the part of his publisher, Stickman Bangkok. All told, Saphan Loy believes that these are excellent vocabulary words to introduce into the ESL classroom in Thailand, or anywhere else in the world for that matter: “genocide”, “euthanasia”, “political disappearance” and “pogrom.”

The sign reads: Ex centro clandestino de detención, tortura y desaparición de personas, 1976–1979 (in English, "Former illegal center of detention, torture and disappearance of persons, 1976–1979"). It is placed on the former site of the headquarters of the police.

The View from Above