Archive for Sukhumvit Psycho

Doom and Gloom and the Sex Trade in Thailand

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2012 by สะพานลอย

With all of the doom and gloom over on Stickman about the current state of the brothel scene in Bangkok, the red-light blogosphere has been dying a painfully slow death as of late. It is natural that sites like his, or Big Fat Baby Kenny’s, will go the way of transistor radios and Spanish Fly love potions. There are two important lessons that the teachers behind both of the aforementioned sites clearly missed: in Stick’s case, he should have cashed out at the top of the market for his services, and in Professor Ham-fist’s case, he should have parlayed his sudden US-media notoriety into his own talk show. Or at the very least started his own pornographic website.

Big Baby Kenny Ng’s ladyboy adventures are now but yesteryear’s wet-dream….

In looking around the blogosophere this week, it has become painfully clear that much of the energy has dissipated both in the well-established sites and in those blogs that soldier on despite an increasingly apparent public apathy toward Asian prostitutes in general. It is as though the brothel districts of Thailand and Southeast Asia are becoming ghost towns, the last refuge of those nostalgic for their heyday circa 1968, supplanted by new forms of economic growth and opportunity. The Internet, mobile devices, i-this and i-that, these are all making the bar areas useful only to the alcoholic, the elderly, the sex-addicted and relief-seeking men whose ageing bodies are deformed by years of abuse but that still respond (miracle of miracles) to aphrodisiacs manufactured in Bombay and all points West.

Lek and I therefore decided to pay a visit to an old site that we occasionally consulted when my testicles required a liberal slathering of baby oil: Sukhumvit Psycho. But when the page loaded, we were told that this site has undergone a radical name-change. The Sukhumvit Psycho is no more, replaced instead by, brace for it, Sukhumvit Entertainment!

I know what you are thinking. It has all of the excitement and originality of the name of a cable television channel. There are so many things silly about this change in nomenclature that it is difficult to know where to begin. But rest assured, for those of you who relied heavily on the testicle massage guide that Sukhumvit Psycho was best known for, the information is still there, but only if you have the time and inclination to click through a dizzying array of links that will point you in all sorts of directions on the site. By the time you find the information you are looking for, you could have picked up the phone in your hotel room and said in simple English, “I’d like a massage. Room 157” to have arrive, moments later, a sheepish Thai woman with a bottle of baby oil.

The site itself looks the same, and still features multiple grammatical errors (given the language challenges of its writer or writers), with most of the potentially useful information effectively gated behind one of those tired “forums” that are also becoming like the dusty relics of Web 1.0 and the mainstay of elderly men who like to create purposefully deranged avatars and rack up trivial submission counts. For many years we have seen these forums dedicated to Thailand prostitution and have avoided them like a venereal disease.

Nonetheless, Lek and I decided to have a gander at the available information on the Psycho’s website, er, sorry, on Sukhumvit Entertainment. It is interesting to observe that the “Premium Membership” option no longer exists. When do we get our refund?! And many of the public pages now resemble the old link farms that sat on the web in the late 1990s like useless handbills. To add insult to injury, the links for Asian Dominas (to satisfy Lek’s curiosity, the naughty tavern wench!) do not even work. Those websites were likely silenced by the long arm of the local Gendarmerie. And while we are on the topic, Saphan Loy is saddened to report that not one of our many international readers even bothered to send us a copy of the Testicle Massage Guide. It is still available for only $14.99. And the holidays are right around the corner. And yes, this is a hint. I suspect that for Christmas this year, Lek is (once again) planning on gifting me a pile of her well-thumbed “ka-toon” books.

And so the search continues. Saphan Loy is like Diogenes of Sinope holding up our lamp in the red-light districts of Asia, looking for an honest man. However, we leave you with this image, courtesy of BigBabyKenny.com, which reveals the location of a sordid nightclub somewhere in the dark jungles of Northeastern Thailand. Because, much like this very helpful conveyor of important geographical information (the GPS), we will continue to illumine the digital darkness with a single, and most perfect ray of light.

The View from Above

The Internet: A Penny Arcade of Perversity

Posted in สะพานลอย with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2011 by สะพานลอย

The red light blogosphere has fallen into a state of disrepair much like the about-to-be demolished Washington Square: that anachronistic and motley assembly of cheap bars that once was home to the Vietnam War veteran hold-outs who never got the hint and went home to Dubuque or Paducah, and bar stool type-writers like Dean Barrett, who clung to cheap memories, bad food, stale beer, war trauma, and an occasional out-to-pasture Thai prostitute, and watched from the dim confines of a bar while the late tropical afternoons slipped by one after the other in some kind of sordid calendar of depravity. In reality, Washington Square has been nothing more than a toxic dumpster for the past twenty years, if not longer. At the very least.

The reality of the Internet has been equally depressing this past week for Saphan Loy, who has found no inspiration in the usual places. This happens from time to time, as we begin to understand that the red-light blogosphere is filled with perversity, lunacy and moronic content cobbled together by freaks palsied by drugs and drink. Any Tom, Dick or Harry can set up an email account and create a rudimentary blog whereby they can express semi-literate and poorly formed ideas, typed up in half-assed unpunctuated prose, then transmit them around the world with all of the authority of the village idiot, whose formal education is comprised merely of the number of hours they have spent on their favourite bar stool, their factoids gleaned not from books and university studies, but from other alcoholics, perverts, sex tourists and misfits. And so it is with the red light blogosphere of Thailand, where increasingly the subject matter has devolved into a nothingness, including micro-penises and the like, that is becoming increasingly intolerable: a source of grave mental retardation and little in the way of entertainment. Excepting, of course, the highly depressing car-crash that is Jimmy Smithers, the landscape of the Thai blogosphere is as blighted as ever and does not promise to improve any time soon.

An early version of the Internet.

Some examples follow. Stickman Bangkok, the website that produces pointless gossip about the red light districts of Thailand, is now essentially unreadable. Each week when his column is produced, we can no longer read it in its entirety, because they are nearly all identical. Instead, we quickly scan the block of text and antiquated banner advertisements for anything that approaches something of interest. Occasionally, we’ll click one of the links to the better-written  professional mainstream articles that he links to. It is sadly time for him to pack up the laptop and go gently into that good night, and see what kind of life he might be able to salvage in New Zealand before he gets too old to find a more productive and potentially honourable career. Although of course we remain interested in whatever blather the TEFL International clown has to say if only because it is so totally offensive.

Sukhumvit Psycho. Jimmy Smithers tells me that on more than one occasion, he has contacted the “guest friendly” hotels that Sukhumvit Psycho has endorsed, enquiring about both the feasibility of bringing two ladyboys into his room, but also to find out about their pet policies, for some odd reasons that must be entirely his own. He even posted on the Suk blog, which is not really a blog as there are few actual comments allowed. It seems to be one of those vacuous pseudo-sites that populate the Internet (like, say Bangkok Eyes) and that piss you off every time you click on the damn thing, the only goal of which is to sell an e-guide to getting a “soapy” hand-job in Thailand, or gratifying the ego of its creator. If you need a manual to help find a place to get a hand-job in Thailand, you probably require all sorts of other assistance as well, like, perhaps, a guidebook on how to wipe one’s ass (front to back, or back to front?), how to tie your shoes, and how to remove mucous from your nostrils. Saphan Loy’s advice to Sukhumvit Psycho readers: contact the hotels he is endorsing and ask them directly about their guest policies. And hell, when in doubt or when confronted by an embarrassed hotel employee in a cheap dress-shirt, fork over whatever money the concierge demands. Jesus Christ. How much simpler can the whole process be? If you are so cheap and/or poor that you need a detailed guidebook to massage prices in Thailand, or need to find ways to avoid paying a hotel to make allowances for your special “guest”, then maybe you should find a new hobby, one that doesn’t require any money whatsoever: like collecting seashells on the beach. For Jimmy Smithers, and his Mongoloid partner-in-crime Poppa Percocet, it is more complicated than paying off concerned parties, since they often bring multiple sex partners into their rooms, but we will let them describe those tales in greater detail.

Another casualty to mention. The once prolific Werewolf, whose new blog called appropriately enough, mundane Bangkok (no link will be provided), has begun to cover Thai politics in earnest, as though he fancies himself some kind of political pundit. But in reality he is simply cutting and pasting content from New Mandala, which is the foremost authority on all things political in Thailand, but with its own painfully clear populist political agenda. There is only one natural conclusion to this kind of writing on the Internet: imminent deportation. Saphan Loy, for this reason, has removed all links to the Werewolf site. If the political views of a sex tourist interest you, especially ones that seek to interfere in another nation’s internal politics thereby unsettling domestic Thai security and violating Thailand’s Computer Crimes Act, then he’s your man. We wish him continued success in his patently offensive endeavors, and hope that his rapid deportation will be the very least form of punishment he incurs for meddling in Thai internal politics.

What else? Oh right. For the past several weeks, Saphan Loy has been experimenting with Twitter, and here are some observations. First, it provides a sanctuary for those who suffer from an impoverishment of actual thoughts, inner resources, or interesting observations, and attempt to compensate for this deficit by typing short sentences about the weather, what they are consuming, or some reference to popcorn culture in general. It certainly is fine for promoting a website, or pitching whatever products one has for sale. But for anything else, it is a general chaos of nonsense, blasphemy, and gibberish. If you are interested in the colourful characters of Thailand, both political and otherwise, then by all means “follow” whomever strikes your fancy, but don’t expect much in 140 characters or less. One of the most remarkable effects of the Internet it is that it reveals the abject poverty of public school systems in the instruction of grammar, syntax and vocabulary. The Internet has, unfortunately, forced everyone to attempt to type in complete sentences. This obstacle shows the impoverished resources that nations dedicate to instructing their students on how to communicate effectively. Just have a look at Twitter, and you will see all sorts of evidence of this poverty.

There, in the NitTwit-ter Zone, you will find endless streams of nonsense by people like Chris Coles (@KrisKoles), whose nearly constant harrassment of the US Ambassador in Thailand, The Honorable Kristie A. Kenney (@KristieKenney) likely constitutes some kind of digital stalking, the content of which is useful possibly to Coles’s psychotherapists, but embarrassing to read for anyone else. The fact that she never responds to him is encouraging enough, because his poorly formed, half-articulated political ideations are born of the occlusion of the brain produced by alcohol abuse, a compromised blood-flow to the brain, and tertiary syphilis. Plus, if he truly believes that Ambassador Kenney writes her own “Tweets”, his grasp of reality has all but disappeared. But if you’ve seen Coles’s artwork, you’ll understand that the man is slightly unhinged anyway.

In short, there always seems to be something lacking in the false promises of the Internet, that it is somehow going to “change the world” or that is in some ways responsible for social revolutions and the like. In reality, the Internet is a penny arcade of perversity, an advanced citizen’s band radio of obscenity, and a crude telegraph with pictures, all of which are used to link one lonely masturbating male to another. Only now, these linkages cross continents. But in the end, it is still the same: a lonely male masturbating to tawdry pictures and repellant fantasies. Sure, the Internet is also useful if you would like to look at scabrous photographs of women being horsewhipped, human beings urinating on each other, or to read about US college professors improving their micro-penis conditions overseas. But if you are interested in something, well, a little more meaningful: open a book.

The View from Above